Febloguary Day 6 (Charlotte Jane)

Four years ago today, I woke up in a labor and delivery room with empty arms in a hospital bed without my husband beside me.  The night before, I had given birth to my third baby girl, Charlotte Jane, and she had quickly been transferred to the NICU at Cook Children's, where Justin had gone to be with her.  This moment was surreal.  Just a week before, we had been informed that Charlotte would likely be born with special needs, and the Lord graciously prepared us for life to look drastically different than we had anticipated. Now, however, this was my reality.  My baby girl was far from me, she was very sick, and I couldn't care for her.  Helplessness overwhelmed me.  The joy of celebrating her new life was squelched by the unknown and fragile condition of Charlotte's little body.  This began a week of highs and lows that ultimately ended in us saying goodbye to our precious girl, as she was welcomed into eternity with Jesus.  

Through it all though, there were the glimpses of our God caring for us and the assurance that He was involved in every moment.  From my water breaking shortly after we arrived at my parents house which was just a few minutes from the hospital, to me planning to give birth without drugs which enabled me to leave the hospital less than 12 hours after delivering to go be with my baby, to the beautiful blanket of snow that covered Fort Worth, to Justin and I having some tough conversations with a doctor that led to us making decisions for Charlie in a united way, to the surrounding of our family by dear friends and family, to the scripture and prayers on our behalf that were sent to us via text, to that one moment when I got to bathe my girl, to that one time that she got my milk, to those moments she held my finger, to the first and last time I held my girl and sang over her as she breathed her last breath, Jesus was near.

It has been FOUR years! This is mind blowing.  So much has happened in our family, so much without Charlie Jane.  People often ask me if I continue to grieve or how often I think of Charlotte.  The answer is yes, I grieve every time I only get five plates out for dinner instead of six, or I hear Bassett party of five rather than six, or we talk about our whole family fitting in the truck which would not be possible with CJ, or I think about not having a little love in Preschool this year, or when someone comments on the fact that we have our hands full with three pretty girls and I want to say that actually we have four.  I think of her all the time!  I wonder what life would be like with Charlotte in it.  I want to snuggle with her, know her preferences, sing to her, hear her ask questions, see her becoming a little girl, braid her hair, listen to her laugh, hear her singing with her Daddy, wipe away her tears, be known by her friends as Charlotte's Mommy, watch her run, pray over her... And then I take a deep breath and say, "Thank you for seven days, Jesus, thank you."  Those days were the hardest I have ever endured, but also some of the most precious.

We have had fun celebrating Charlotte this past week.  Our family is a big proponent of birthday week month, so you don't have to squeeze everything into a day!  Since Charlotte's first birthday, a dear group of friends have gathered with me to celebrate her life.  This is amazing.  These are women who have prayed with me and for me, encouraged me, fought for my joy, cried with me, and ultimately loved me well over the past four years.  This year was no different, except for the blanket of snow and some other obligations that kept some friends away.  I was well loved.  I have the best friends.  The morning of the party with my friends, I woke up early to run to Kroger, as we were out of just about everything in terms of breakfast food.  As I walked outside, God took my breath away.  A blanket of snow was beginning to form, and large flakes were falling from the sky.  I cried all the way to the store.  Then, as I walked in, a HUGE display of tulips (the flowers we used at Charlotte's Memorial Service) greeted me.  Again, I was overwhelmed at the "hug" from my God.  The flakes continued to fall, and I returned home to some giddy little girls!  My Lizzie had made a snow angel in the driveway, and again, I worshiped.  The love of Jesus in this day was lavished upon me.

As a family we took out Charlotte's box of sweet things from her short life and talked about all of them.  We looked at pictures and recalled the details of those seven days; I don't ever want to forget a single moment.  Lizzie lamented that she never got to actually meet Charlotte.  This broke my heart, but God quickly led us to talk about the hope we have in Jesus that one day we will join together to worship before the throne.  Yesterday we began the day with sprinkle donuts, because that's what Team Bassett does for a birthday!   We sang, we enjoyed, we celebrated.  We had a normal full Monday with dance, and grocery shopping and the library and school.  Then, in the FREEZING weather, we ventured to the cemetery to sing Happy Birthday, sing Jesus Loves Me, let balloons go, and pray together as a family.  We finished out our celebration at Dickey's for some BBQ and Ice Cream and such a fun conversation about what heaven is like.  We wondered at what Charlotte's favorite things may be, if she and Nana are hanging out together, what life would be like with her here, and laughed a lot.  It was treasured time together.  We came home to gorgeous flowers from friends and watched some of the Olympics to top off our night.  What I remember of the Winter Olympics of 2010 is sitting on my parents' bed and pumping while I heard the squeals of my Lizzie and Lainie in the living room as they watched the Opening Ceremony.  I have always LOVED the Olympics, but I clearly remember the numbness I felt watching four years ago.  The Olympics will always remind me of my CJ.

 Tonight we continued celebrating Charlotte with strawberry shortcake for dessert and plenty of JOY!  Charlotte Jane is so dear to us.  Our family is forever changed by her life, and we are thankful for the impact she has made as part of Team Bassett.