Held: After 12 Years

Here we are, twelve years later, celebrating the life of Charlotte Jane Bassett, a baby girl who changed our world.  Her seven days on this planet marked me, and I will choose, year after year, to celebrate her beautiful life.  

When I woke up on Charlotte's birthday and headed to the donut shop, I talked to God, pouring out my heart of sadness, hurt, thankfulness, confusion, and so much more regarding Charlotte's short life.  All I really felt Him say in response was, "You are held."  No answers, just the assurance that I was heard and safe and not alone.  Along this journey, sometimes friends have held me, sometimes family has held me, most often Justin has held me, but always God has held me.  Have I always felt it? Nope. In fact, at times it has felt like a never-ending free fall.  Ultimately though,  I have been lifted up and steadied every step of the way.  

For several years after Charlotte left this earth, friends coordinated a party for her, and I just showed up.  It was a sweet and powerful way for friends to hold my hand on really painful days.   At some point, when I was strong enough to initiate a celebration on my own, I began a tradition of having cupcakes at the park to honor Charlotte's life.  Every year, I bake plenty of pink cupcakes, I invite the masses, we show up at the park with whoever can make it, we sing "Jesus Loves Me," and we enjoy sugary goodness to celebrate the life of my girl.  Last week we had cupcakes at the park. I spread the word about the party beforehand and made lots of cupcakes, not exactly knowing who would show up.  A precious group of friends who we currently do school with joined us, and it was sweet. These women never met Charlotte, but they want to hear about her life, and they made sacrifices to show up and hold me up on this day of remembrance. I am beyond thankful for they way these friends have held me.  Their friendship is a gift.

                                         

There was a bit of a sting on that day though.

As time passes, it seems that many who walked with us through that season are no longer here on earth either, and that thought has brought me to tears more times than I can count over the past weeks.  Momma, Daddy, Mamaw, Grandaddy, Bill, and Chelsie all grieved with us, and we have since grieved their passings.  Even more brokenness has befallen me though by many who walked with us closely during Charlotte's life and death and have seemingly now forgotten our girl.  I know life moves on and circumstances change and schedules are busy, but if I am being honest, this silence has taken my breath away.  The way that our community cradled our family and loved Charlotte deeply in 2010 and the early years that followed was beautiful; it created a framework for me for what genuine love by a church family could feel like.  We were literally held up by a network of friends, men and women who claimed that Charlotte's life had changed their own and that they would never forget her.  This is why their absence and dead air has been so sharp.  

Like a spark of hope and encouragement though, a friend showed up with a pretty plant for my girl, another friend brought me cute earrings, and a series of texts popped on my phone throughout the week of Charlotte's life from friends who aren't local but have consistently remembered my girl.  There is just something about seeing and hearing friends use Charlotte Jane's name and reflect on her life that restores me.  Her life mattered.  Others joining me in that refrain is like giving me the biggest hug of remembrance and soothing my aching heart.  

                                                    

This experience has me pondering where I have dropped the ball in my relationships.  What milestones have I missed for my friends? What important dates have failed to make it on my calendar?  I have experienced the beauty that is the ministry of presence, and I am hopeful that I can now intentionally provide that kind of comfort and joy and peace to those in my life.  Others feeling held and knowing the love of God through my presence and remembrance is just one more way that Charlotte's life continues to bring light into the world.  May I keep carrying the torch.

It has always been our family's practice to celebrate our loved ones on their Heaven Days. Many friends have also adopted this tradition as a way to honor the lives of people they have loved and to share memories and to ultimately not forget precious lives and their impact.  I have decided to create a Happy Heaven Day Facebook group where people can come and share about their loved ones and receive love and support and likely engage with others who have similar experiences. I envision a community being created where individuals are inspired by lives well-lived and men and women are lifted up and held on painful days.  Just one more way that Charlotte Jane's life will continue to push back the darkness.

Six Years

It has been six years since we said goodbye to our precious Charlotte Jane, just seven days after we welcomed her into the world.  Six years is an age in our home when we see a lot of maturity in our girls, so we extend some special privileges as well.  While getting to crack your own eggs is fun and all, receiving your first American Girl Doll is the BIGGEST part of turning Six as a Bassett.  As Charlie's sixth birthday approached, my heart was especially heavy, wondering through all of the what ifs... Would my girl want the doll that looks like her? Wait, what would SHE even look like? Would she have a favorite historical girl that we had read all of the books together, so she was dying to finally have her own matching doll?  What would it be like for her to finally be able to have her own doll to play with Lizzie and Lainie?  Y'all, this is reality. My mind was a mess for a lot of days.  I finally decided that we would go to the American Girl store for lunch at the Bistro to celebrate.  When I shared this idea with a friend, she said, "Are you going to get her a doll?"  Ummmm. For some reason I hadn't even considered getting CJ a doll.  Maybe I thought it was too frivolous.  Maybe I thought we didn't need another doll.  Maybe I thought that was just going overboard.  Whatever it was, I hadn't let myself go there, but at my friend's suggestion, I suddenly got excited.  Yes! God loves us lavishly, and this is an instance where I felt great freedom to love my girls and myself with over the top, frivolous, crazy LOVE.

We enjoyed our celebratory birthday donuts to kick of February 10th, and then I told the girls my plan... Needless to say they were THRILLED!  We hopped in the car and stopped off at a friend's home where the girls were showered with cards, love and Beanie Boos from their friends to celebrate Charlotte Jane's life and I was given tulips and an American Girl gift card.  

We made it to the store where we met Grammy at the Bistro.  It was a first for us (and most likely a once in a lifetime experience), and we enjoyed dining with the girls' dolls over a three course meal, complete with conversation cards and all things fancy.  While we were waiting for our food to arrive, Liv and I walked around and chatted with the AG hair stylist.  She asked if we were there for a special occasion, and Liv told her that we were buying a doll for her sister's six year old birthday.  When the kind lady asked where Charlotte was, Liv replied, "With Jesus."   The kind woman was gracious, but clearly confused, so I explained a bit of our story, and she pulled out the "It's My Birthday" sticker seen above, and with trembling hands I accepted it.  Her acknowledgement of the special day made my heart soar, as did the gesture of China, our waitress, bringing a Birthday Sundae to the table and singing, "Happy Birthday Dear Charlotte" with us.  It was so special.  After lunch we headed down to pick the perfect doll.  WHOA!  Everyone had an opinion and NONE of them were the same!  After much deliberation, we decided that Rebecca was a great choice.  She looked like a Bassett girl, and everyone loved her, plus she is dressed in all purple, the color of Charlotte's birthstone, the Amethyst.  Rebecca joins Sissy Kisses Lovey and Lovey Bear as tangible reminders of CJ and the things my girls can hold onto when they would much rather be hugging and snuggling and kissing their sister.  I am so glad we bought Rebecca!

We met Justin at the cemetery with balloons and flowers and a pinwheel and had a sweet time together talking and praying and releasing our balloons.  Since there was an elderly gentleman there, we didn't participate in our usual Team Bassett races, but it was still a sweet time to remember Charlotte Jane.

On our way to dinner, I ended up with just the big girls in the car with me.  As I looked at the clock, I was able to flash back and walk through the whole evening of February 10, 2010.  I shared a little bit with the girls, and they wanted to hear everything I could remember about Charlotte's week of life.   I settled in and gave them every detail I could recall.  When I stopped at a light, I glanced back to see my Lizzie Grace sobbing.  She feels so deeply.  It is beautiful.  It is painful.  I wanted to jump back there with her and cry my eyes out with her, but instead, I just held her hand in mine as I kept driving.  My Lainie Karis tried humor to lighten the mood, but I assured everyone that the tears just needed to be cried.  One of the things I have learned in the past six years is that it is good to feel all of these emotions deeply.  As we are created in the Image of God, we get a clearer picture of Him as we fully experience emotions and when we turn to Him in our pain.  We enjoyed Cheddar's for dinner and Blue Bell ice cream to wrap up our day of celebration.  It was a good day!

Today was Charlotte's Heaven Day.  When I looked at the forecast yesterday, I realized it was going to be beautiful, and we should totally go to the park to celebrate!  I sent out a few text messages to old friends and new friends offering pink cupcakes and Park Play Afternoon.  The replies kept coming in, and before I knew it, I had around 90 cupcakes to bake! Our Kitchen Aid Mixer got its inaugural use to make the Team Bassett Favorite, PINK Strawberry Cupcakes with Strawberry Icing.

 The turnout was fabulous, and we had a blast remembering Charlotte's life and celebrating as those who have HOPE!  Our family is so well loved!  I mean really?!  With less than 24 hours of notice, all of these precious people came to support and encourage our family; now that is the Body of Christ at Work!  We sang Jesus Loves Me together and then dined on Pink Cupcakes and Pink Lemonade.  It was so special for my heart.

 Look at all of these AMAZING FRIENDS!  I cannot even tell you how precious these women and kiddos are to me.  I even missed a few pics of special ladies who were there to love on me.  God has loved me well through friendships, no doubt!

             

 A friend once asked me how often I think about Charlotte, and the answer is still ALL THE TIME.  However, I think some people freak out at that and assume it is all sadness.  While my heart aches to know and experience life with my girl, most of the time, I am just thankful she was mine and grateful for the ways she has changed me and continues to challenge me to trust God more.  I also get a lot of questions and comments this time of year like, "How are you?" "Is this week really hard for you?"  "I can't imagine how hard these days are for you."  While I am beyond thankful for the friends and family who remember with us and walk this road with us, I can honestly say that these February days are not so bad.  As I contemplated why that is, I realized that it is because Charlotte's name is frequently on our lips, and we talk about her life as a part of our regular family rhythm. February is just the month we get to CELEBRATE our girl. There is so much healing in speaking her name.  There is so much freedom to talk about her and wonder about her and thank God for her.  It is through God's kindness that we have walked this road in this manner.  No one taught us how to grieve or how to celebrate or how to mourn or how to do any of this.  We have simply sought the Lord and followed the leading of the Holy Spirit.  He has been our Comforter, our Party Planner, and our Shelter.  We have learned how to lean into the King and trudge through these uncharted waters as a family, and I must say, in the leaning, we have found our God to be ALL SUFFICIENT, ALWAYS ENOUGH.  He is a GOOD, GOOD FATHER.

WE LOVE YOU CHARLOTTE JANE! JESUS LOVES YOU MORE!