Charlotte Jane- Saying Good Bye

Yesterday I celebrated my 27th birthday without my sweet Charlotte Jane. Though by no means our plans, the grace of our sweet Jesus carried us through, just as He has everyday since Charlotte's birth, death, burial and memorial service.

We wanted to post some final thoughts from our 7 days with Charlotte Jane and the following 3 days from the time she died until her memorial service.

-First off, we now have a greater understanding of God's purpose for the Body of Christ- the Church and what it means to truly carry one another's burdens. We literally praise God for CityView on a weekly basis. This praise has taken on a much deeper meaning to us over the last week. We are so blessed to be able to run with a group of men and women that so deeply love Jesus and each other. We truly experienced the church joining us in suffering and helping us to carry this burden.

-Next we learned more in these last days about suffering than we have in our entire lives to this point. As our pastor said during Charlotte's memorial service, all suffering is an echo of the cross and some of us get the privilege of carrying that suffering on a deeper or more realized way from time to time. In the midst of our pain, while seeing the place where Charlotte would be buried, we discovered a family that lost 3 children in a span of 9 months. While we are suffering, we realized that we're certainly not the only ones who have suffered in this way and we believe that God will help us to see with a clearer lens those around us who are suffering and help us to better carry their burdens.

- It is clearly evident to us that God used Charlotte in her 7 days for His glory in profound ways! While we probably won't learn the full extent of His plans and purposes this side of Heaven, we see glimpses and reflections of the ways He worked through her and are confident that He will continue to do so.

- Also, we have learned more about the true meaning of joy. As we have always believed that "God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him", we understand the concept of being satisfied in a much deeper way after this tragedy. Satisfaction and joy do not always mean "happiness". Sometimes satisfaction is looking at your life at the point where you are experiencing deeply rooted pain and being able to say "Christ is enough". We've had to do that many times in the past couple of weeks in order to get through. One of my favorite texts we received was from a CityView family who told me that they were all gathered together on their knees at an hour when most were asleep, praying that Christ would be enough for us in this tragedy, and in fact, He has been!

-Charlotte's life and legacy will continue on in a very real way in our family. We are very sure that God is going to use this event to draw people to Himself as he places people in our lives that we can minister to. We already learned of a couple who is facing a similar challenge. They have been told that their baby who is due sometime this spring, has issues that are "incompatible with life". We are hoping to get to speak with this couple and encourage them with the Truth that has been so encouraging to us. Furthermore, we trust and believe that God is not random in choosing us to endure this trial. We know that God will use us, even Lizzie and Lainie to minister to those who face similar situations.

Tonight as I watched Elizabeth and Elaine playing in the bathtub and as we sang together as a family, I missed Charlotte deeply. We are well aware that our pain and suffering will continue and that we will have good days and days where we struggle. Through it all though, we are thankful that we can cling to the Truth that our God is Good and is working all things together for His glory and our good.

Thank you for all of you who have followed our journey, prayed for us, encouraged us, cried with us and celebrated Charlotte's life with us. Words cannot express our thanks and love!

Day 7 for Charlotte Jane

For those of who have not yet found out this information, day 7 for Charlotte Jane ended not much longer after it started. She went home to be with Jesus this morning at 5:30 am. After one more very tough night, we left the hospital at 2:00 am this morning with a peace that we may never see Charlotte Jane on this side of Heaven. We had an incredibly tough night of watching her monitor constantly and having to face the reality that this would probably be her last day on earth.

One of the things that we do with Elaine is sing songs to her that speak of the glory and splendor of Jesus before putting her to bed. Two of our favorites are Before the Throne and O Glorious Day. Realizing that we would never have this opportunity with Charlotte, we sang to her both songs before leaving the hospital with a peace that we might not see her again. However, God is good and continues to answer prayers. One of Ang's prayers was that we would be able to hold her in our arms before she went Home. Two hours later at 4:00 am, the nurse called us and told us that she was not doing well and that we needed to come back to the hospital immediately. We got in the car, drove to the hospital and were able to spend an hour holding her before she died. This was yet another grace that God gave us. We talked about how many parents have to face miscarriages and never get to hold their babies. Although the last week has been so hard for us, we got to hold Charlotte Jane and for that we are so thankful!

We also want to say how much we have felt the love that comes from being surrounded by the Church, both our church home CityView, and so many other Christ followers who have supported us during this time. We do not know where we would be without the prayer of so many people who have come along side us and endured this suffering with us.

Memorial Service Information

We will be holding a memorial service for Charlotte Jane this Saturday (Feb. 20) at 10am. The service will be held at Fort Worth Presbyterian Church in southwest Fort Worth (6251 Oakmont Trail). This will be a time of worship to celebrate Charlotte's life and the goodness of our Savior. In lieu of flowers, we are asking that donations be made to the CityView Church children's ministry. If you still want to give flowers, we are asking for individual stem tulips of all colors-as opposed to floral arrangements.

Prayer Requests

- We are going to try and explain what's going on to Elizabeth, our 3 year old, in the morning. Pray for that conversation and that she would be able to understand and that we would be able to explain things in a way that she can grasp.

- Pray for our hearts as we move forward with life in yet another "new normal".

- Pray that we continue to trust God and cling to the promise that Jesus is enough.

Day 6 for Charlotte Jane

Charlotte holding her Lovie with kisses

from her sisters on it.

You may have noticed these blog updates are getting sent out later and later. We had a long night at the hospital tonight with Charlotte Jane. Unfortunately, she had a tough day. The chest tube that was taken out completely as of yesterday, had to be replaced this morning due to some lung complications. Also, her levels were pretty up and down today. With her lungs, due to the setback she suffered this morning, it is sort of like we are starting over.

On another note, we got back some testing results today and the tests that were sent off all came back negative. This is good news in some ways, as we know whatever's going on with her, is not the condition they thought it was; however, it is difficult as we still don't know the full extent of what's going on with her.

Today was a tough day for Angela and myself. More tears were shed on this day than probably any other. Please continue to pray for us as we walk down this path with her. Thank you for joining us on this journey. We have been so encouraged by the body of Christ interceding for us, suffering with us, and carrying this weight with us.

Prayer Requests

• Peace for our family
• That God would provide rest at a time where we are getting very little
• Wisdom and discernment for the doctors and nurses
• That God would be glorified and that Charlotte's life would make much of Him.

Day 5 for Charlotte Jane

So today was an interesting day... I say "interesting" because it was good on many levels and not so good in other ways.

First off, for the good: 1) we asked you to pray yesterday that her chest drainage would subside so the tube can be removed; DONE--it was removed this morning. This is great news. 2) She got to start drinking milk today. 3) the bilirubin light and the goggles she has had for the last three days are gone as her levels are back down. 4) her breathing tube was replaced with one that fits better--this is complicated and the blessing here is that they were able to get it in place on the first attempt, so not much stress on Charlotte's end.

As far as the not so good: 1) her levels bounced around more than they have since we've been there. Her O2 saturation levels, her bp, and her pulse all fluctuated for much of the day, meaning she is in some distress, 2) she was having a little trouble breathing this morning, so they changed ventilators; this is not necessarily a bad thing, just one step forward, and two steps back as far as breathing on her own goes. 3) the waiting game continues...we found out today that some preliminary tests were inconclusive. This means that either we won't find out more details until next week and/or more tests will have to be conducted.

Prayer Requests

• Pray for Charlotte's doctors and nurses for wisdom and discernment. They are trying several things to keep her stable and it is kind of like a balancing act. When one number is out of range, they bring it back in and another goes out of range.
• Pray for Charlotte for lungs to continue to heal and work sufficiently. The doctor wants to go back to the ventilator she was on until today soon.
• Pray for us for patience as we wait to know more about what's going on with our little girl.
• That God would prepare us for whatever the results are, when we do receive them.

Day 4 for Charlotte Jane

Today was a good day...nothing new to report, except one small detail about her chest tube. If you looked at the pictures, you may have noticed that she has a tube coming out of her chest on the left side. Until today, this tube was set to active suction to pull out fluid that has built up around the lungs. Today, this chest tube was set to "gravity" which means it's not actively sucking but open for drainage to naturally flow out. This is great news as hopefully this is the intermediary step between active suction and out altogether. If things go well and it's not pulling out too much fluid, it will be removed. This is great because the tube causes her some discomfort, and we want anything that is potentially causing her pain to be alleviated. Other than that, Charlotte is holding steady and doing about the same as the last couple of days of reporting.

We continued our trend of spending time with the girls in the morning, spending most of the afternoon with Charlotte Jane, spending the evening with the girls, and then going to the hospital after we put the girls to bed. We were even able to sneak in a quick Valentine's date before returning back to pick up the girls from Angela's parents' house. It's really been important for us to maintain as much of a normal schedule as possible, especially to help Lizzie and Lainie feel love and care during this time. Elizabeth asked us this evening if she could pray for baby Charlotte, as well the girls sending kisses via the Lovie that we put in Charlotte's bed.

Tomorrow will be a big day for CJ. We are meeting the neonatologist that will be assigned to Charlotte for the duration of her stay at Cooks. For the past few days, it's pretty much been whatever doctor is there, but starting tomorrow the doctor assigned to her is returning from vacation. We may also find out more on details regarding her little lungs and if we do get those details, we'll know a little more about what that means moving forward.

Prayer Requests

• Pray that the chest drainage would subside so the tube can be removed
• Pray for clarity for us as we meet with the doctor and that we know the right questions to ask
• Wisdom for us as we start to figure out what the "new normal" will look like for us--especially when I return back to work
• Pray for Lizzie and Lainie for peace and understanding as we move through this season.
• Wisdom for the nurses and doctors to know what Charlotte needs since she is not able to communicate it to them.

Day 3 for Charlotte Jane

Charlotte is continuing to do well. She had a good day today and kept most of her levels pretty stable.

After a several day stay at the Harris house, we loaded everything up and moved back into our house, which I think will be good to get back to the "new normal" for both us and Lizzie and Lainie. Justin's parents came and hung out with the big girls, so we could go be with Charlotte for awhile this afternoon. We had a good visit with her, but sure did miss seeing her eyes- she is still sporting her cool sunglasses because of the photo therapy. After coming home and enjoying dinner and tucking in our big girls, we headed back to hospital for another visit. Our same nurse from last night, Liz, had Charlotte again tonight- we really like Liz! She saved Charlie's first beauty shop appointment (hair washing), so I could help out! It was really fun to get to clean up my baby girl's hair, and she did great the whole time:) We even got to snap a few pics without her goggles on after she got all cleaned up. How precious the little things are!

Day 2 for Charlotte Jane

Just a quick post...

Today was a good day for Charlotte. They were able to drop her ventilator levels and oxygen level and let her do a little more breathing work on her own. She was showing a little bit of jaundice, so she is currently under the photo light to regulate her bilirubin levels and wearing some stellar goggles to protect her eyes:) Before she got her goggles though, she was opening her eyes a good bit to meet her Grammy and Pop! Nana and Paw Paw also got to meet Charlie Jane today... everyone is in love! Sweet Lizzie and Lainie sent their kisses on a lovie to Charlotte. When I tossed the lovie in my purse to take to the hospital, Lizzie said, "Mommy, be careful! You don't want to lose our kisses for Charlotte!" I think the lovie is going to go back and forth with us to send "sissy kisses."

One of my favorite times in a day is snuggle time with my big girls. I now have a new favorite, snuggle time with Charlotte. While we aren't able to hold our little princess, she can tightly grip our fingers while we chat. It is pretty special, and Justin and I had some good snuggle time with our little girl tonight.

We are thankful for another day for with our girl!

Thanks for the prayers and reminders of God's truth.

Psalm 121

I raise my eyes toward the mountains.

Where will my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to slip;

your Protector will not slumber.

Indeed, the Protector of Israel

does not slumber or sleep.

The Lord protects you;

the Lord is a shelter right by your side.

The sun will not strike you by day,

or the moon by night.

The Lord will protect you from all harm;

He will protect your life.

The Lord will protect your coming and going

both now and forever.

Day 1 for Charlotte Jane

Before beginning this post, we want you to know that the outpouring of prayer support, kind acts of generosity and service, and words of encouragement have been overwhelming to us. We do not know where we would be without the body of Christ interceding for us, fighting with us, and giving us so much encouragement over the last week. We are more aware of and tuned into God's plan as revealed in Ephesians 3 to use His church the beauty of His glorious good news so that He may be made much of. From our local church CityView to so many other Christ followers who have prayed for us and been there to provide support, we are so thankful.

Charlotte's A Day Old!
As I write this post, Charlotte is turning one day old! She was born at 9:39pm on Wednesday, February 10. What followed has been a pretty crazy first day of life.

A Timeline of Day 1

9:39 pm...

Charlotte Jane is born weighing 5 lbs. 3 oz. As soon as she was born, a team of about 10 doctors and nurses met her and after stabilizing her breathing took her to the NICU at Harris Southwest.

12 am...

It is determined that she will now go to Cooks Children's Hospital in downtown Fort Worth. A unit is assembled to transport her and we are told that we will get to see her momentarily and then she will go directly to Cooks.

1:30 am...

Since we haven't heard anything in over an hour, we get really nervous. We find out that in the time span, she has needed to be resuscitated twice. We are led back to the NICU to meet the chief Neonatologist and to see Charlotte Jane (Ang gets to see her for the first time)

2:00 am...

The biggest snow that North Texas has ever seen has begun. This is also the time that Charlotte is transported to Cooks.

3:00 am...

Charlotte arrives at Cooks where she is met with another team that takes her to the NICU.

3:30 am...

We finally get to talk to the neonatologist who will be over Charlotte's care at Cooks. She tells us that since getting her to Cooks, things are going about as well as expected. We are also informed that Charlotte's little lungs are not anywhere close to the size they need to be at this stage of her life. They are very underdeveloped and she is breathing via a ventilator.

4:30 am...

Justin fights through the snow and makes it to Cooks to see Charlotte. She already looks much better than the first time they saw her. Her skin tone has become normal (she's no longer bluish gray). Justin meets w/ the doctor and the nurses in charge of Charlotte's care.

7:00 am...

Justin arrives back at Harris Southwest to be with Angela and help her get ready for being discharged from the hospital later that morning. Meanwhile, Charlotte continues to be stable - normal heart rate and blood-oxygen levels.

9:00 am...

Specialists at Cooks perform tests on Charlotte including a head scan and a scan of her abdomen. We will find out the results of these tests hopefully within the next 24 hours.

10:00 am...

A geneticist meets with Charlotte and looks to see if she can figure out what may be causing the complications. There is some theory but we won't know anything fully until two weeks regarding genetic / chromosomal disorders.

1:00 pm...

After finally getting to leave the hospital, we go to Cooks to see Charlotte. Ang gets to meet the nurses there and a neurologist performs some tests on Charlotte.

4:00 pm...

We get back to Angela's parents' house which has been our base of operation for the last couple of days. They, along with Justin's parents have watched Elizabeth and Elaine during this time and we are so thankful for wonderful grandparents.

9:39 pm...

No news is good news...we talked to Charlotte's attending nurse a couple of times this evening and the result is the same each time...no news to report...and...she is stable.

One Challenge After Another

One way that we have been blown away by seeing the way God has sovereignly led us down this path. Over the past 7 days, we've received a ton of information and have been faced with challenges that we don't know we would be able to handle if it had all been received at once. One thing we talked about this evening is that God has given us bits and pieces of this puzzle when we need them. If we found out all that we did today last week, we would have certainly not been ready for it. It's a grace that we've received the updates about her in the way that we have. We had a week to prepare, to bathe her in prayer, and really gain a peace about the days to come.

One challenge that we never thought about until today was how to break the news about Charlotte to Elizabeth and Elaine. One of our favorite memories that we cherish is thinking about Elizabeth running down the halls of the hospital shouting "Baby Yane is here" when Elaine was born. It's evident that Elizabeth and Elaine love their sister already--and the way the welcome in Charlotte to our family is going to much different than they or we anticipated.

Until today, we never stopped to think in the past week about how tough this will be on the girls. While we as parents have embraced this suffering, the weight of it didn't hit us until today that Elaine and Elizabeth will suffer with us in this. They will probably not get as much "mommy time" as they would like at times, and depending on what the days to come are like, our lives could look drastically different than 2 days ago.

Our time with the girls tonight has been therapeutic for us. We have begun to share Charlotte's struggles with Lizzie especially, and she prayed to Jesus so preciously for her sister tonight! It is obvious that our Good God has been not only preparing our hearts for these challenges but our girls' hearts as well. He does not ignore the details!

Prayer Requests

• Strength for our family
• Rest / peace -- that we would be able to sleep well when we do sleep and that we would be refreshed spiritually, emotionally, and physically every day.
• Understanding / peace for Elizabeth and Elaine
• Discernment for the doctors and clarity during each round of tests.
• Healing for Charlotte's lungs: They are undersized and have a hole in them from complications that arose during birth and shortly after.

The Sovereignty of God and The Beauty of Life

So, today has been quite the overwhelming, scary, and grace filled day. I had a scheduled sonogram at my OBGYN's office that she likes to do at the beginning of the 9th month. After several nights of little sleep and days of a very uncomfortable back ache mixed in with a few contractions, my hope for the day was a baby that was ready to come out! In our sono we were assured that Charlotte is in fact still Charlotte, and not a boy, which is always good:) Her head was way down, so the sonographer had a tough time getting a good measurement but gave us an approximate weight of 4lb 13oz, which I thought was a little on the small side.

Once we saw the doc, she went through all of the basics and then came back to our sonogram. Apparently a normal range of amniotic fluid is 5-25 cm. According to my sono, I had 44 cm! This would explain how large my belly is as well as the ridiculous pain I have had. Also, the size of Charlotte's head was concerning, so the doctor referred me to the specialist upstairs and said to expect a phone call notifying me of my appt. Thinking it would be awhile, Justin and I went out to the car and just sat for a few minutes to soak things in. I had a good cry, we had some good prayer time, and reminded each other that this is no surprise to our good God, no matter the outcome and began to drive to my grandma's house to see the girls. After getting a few minutes away, the dr's office called and said they could get us in now! We took a deep breath and turned around, realizing we may get some answers sooner rather than later. Following filling out a great deal of paper work, insuring that Justin and I are not cousins and such, we waited a good hour or so, during which we texted a few friends and were so encouraged by their responses guaranteeing our God's goodness and faithfulness:)

When we got back to see the dr (who "randomly" is the brother in law of one of our friends), I just had a great peace that only the sovereignty of God brings. HE is GOOD, and what HE does is GOOD- we will know His truth and character more intimately because of today's events! HE loves Charlotte Jane more than we could ever imagine- she is HIS! The sonogram revealed that Charlotte's heart, kidneys, tummy, spine, arms, and legs were all in good shape. The numbers on the fluid though were even more staggering this go round- my measurements were over 50 cm! The doc was rather shocked that I hadn't yet gone into labor due to this HIGH amount of fluid. He also struggled to get a good look at Charlie's brain because of how low her head is positioned as well as the fact that the skull has already formed pretty thickly around her brain. The only good measurement he got was one ventricle that measured 1.25cm, with 1 cm being normal. Otherwise though, her head is pretty small compared to what it should be at this point.

So, what does all of this mean? Well, basically we have a whole lot of possibilities and very few answers. The large amount of fluid is likely related to Charlotte's inability to process it properly. It is highly likely that Charlotte will be born with some type of genetic disorder like down syndrome (or any number of genetic disorders, ranging in severity from mild to severe). I will likely not carry her for much longer considering the amount of fluid I am carrying (like a water balloon filled beyond capacity... it's only a matter of time!).

Prayer Requests:

-we would continue to trust the goodness of our God.

-for a safe delivery (there are possible complications due to so much fluid)

-God to prepare our hearts for whatever the outcome is for our sweet baby girl!

-God would get the glory in Charlotte's life- that He would be made much of in our struggles and in our rejoicing

-for comfort for Ang physically until Charlotte arrives

Thank you so much for walking this road with us. It is in times like these that the beauty of the Body of Christ is so very evident!