H2OnlyOctober

Our month of water only mostly has come to a close!  Let's just say that our family was FAR from perfect in this attempt, but we certainly were more aware of our purchases and consumed much more water than usual.  I always begin the month with the goal of keeping close track of when we would typically buy drinks, so I will have a really good count of how much money we save.  By day three, I am so over documenting EVERY time I am tempted to swing by Sonic, or stop in QT, or buy some OJ at the grocery store, or take advantage of a Starbucks sighting, or say anything but water when a waiter asks for my drink order!  Let's just say that we spend too much each month on "special treats" for our family!  It is always good to take a break from something and be enlightened to how freely we make choices without even thinking about it!  It is even better to be able to share that leftover cash with families who are adopting kiddos into their families!

I hope this NEVER comes across as self promoting or bragging about our giving.  Our heart is just to point out some ways that your family can give creatively, even when you feel like you have nothing to give.  I know our girls have enjoyed the idea of sacrifice, knowing that it is their way to give to our friends who are adopting.

I am thrilled to share with you three families whom we are sharing with this month. We LOVE each of these families and their hearts soooo much! Here is a bit of their adoption stories and their needs!

Team Chappell:
This family knows a thing or two about adoption.  They are in the process of adopting their SIXTH little love, Isla Olivia Rose.  Isla was born in Las Vegas on October 9, and she has already rocked a surgery on her belly.  Dan and Casey are hoping to bring their girl home to Texas on Saturday!!! Something special about Isla is that she has that awesome extra chromosome like her big brother Abel.  If you know me, you know that kiddos with the extra love chromosome of Down Syndrome have my HEART BIG TIME! 

If you would like to give to the Chappells' adoption, go here!  Until midnight, you can also enter into the drawing for their best of baking basket that is crazy awesome!

Team Raney:
This is another family that has walked the adoption road before, and before they were even finished adopting their Chinese son, they were back on the journey to adopt sweet Esther.  This girl is AMAZING! She has waited ten years for a forever family, and every photo of her shows a countenance of JOY!  She will make the Raneys a family of EIGHT, and I cannot wait to meet this over-comer! 

If you would like to donate to the financial needs of the Raneys for Esther's adoption, you can go here (tax deductible) or here (gift).

Team Mosier:
Matt and Erin's hearts were stirred for adoption early in their marriage, and they feel like now is the time to pursue it. They have always loved adoption and have seen such beauty come from it in the lives of close friends.  They moved around a few times in the beginning of their marriage, but once they were settled and established in one place, they decided to move forward with adoption.  They didn’t know what that would look like, but they began praying for wisdom and guidance.  After a couple of month they began to feel pulled towards infant adoption, mainly because of their love and admiration toward birth mothers who choose life and adoption for their babies. They already have 3 kids but can't wait to add another to their crazy fun family.

If you would like to donate to the Mosiers' financial need for adoption, you can go here.

We are so thankful for all of these friends who walk out the Gospel and trust our God to provide for their every need in the process!  Would you ask the Lord how He might have you be part of their stories of provision?

Relax. Soften. Open.

This morning, I had the privilege of enjoying brunch with some precious women with whom I have the joy of teaching my girls.  The goal of the morning was to encourage one another, to share the hard things, and to share what has worked in our homes.  The dominant theme of the morning seemed to be not math or reading or writing, but instead, it was character.  Our heartbeat for each of our children is that they would walk out lives that honor the Lord.  

Daily, we are seeing the sin in our little loves, and it often makes our job as mom and teacher painfully hard.  When our precious kiddos behave in a way that is hurtful to their siblings, or lazy about their assigned task, or often just downright rude, our first reaction is most often to tighten up the ship! We begin dishing out consequences and spewing all the words.  ALL. THE. WORDS. You know the ones?  "Are you kidding me?!" "What in the world were you thinking?!"  "How dare you?!" Our children have beckoned us to hop on the roller coaster of chaos, and we have taken the bait and joined them in the ups and downs and twists and turns of anger, bitterness, hatred, and strife, Sometimes though, our harsh attempts to straighten things out can cause the opposite reaction, and our kids to become reclusive and unresponsive, only intensifying our frustration. Either way, we are not getting the response we desire, and it is exhausting and defeating.

Just yesterday we found ourselves in this place.  What should have been a simple tidying of their room became a heated, name calling, tear filled explosion for my big girls.  God, in His kindness, led me to try a different approach.  Rather than tensing up, I relaxed.  I didn't insist on my own way.  I gave the girls time to just play after they had reconciled and spoken life over one another, even though there was plenty of school to complete.  Instead of hardening, I softened.  While I really wanted to just say, "Make your own lunches.  I'm going to my room for some me time after dealing with all that," I chose to make them a big hot lunch including cookie bars.  When I wanted to shut down, I opened up.  Everything in me preferred to be left alone, but when one of my girls begged to help me bake, I said, "Yes." When they asked for extra chapter of our lunch time read aloud, I obliged.  Rather than escaping, I leaned into the situation  of our morning, and it was laden with grace.   

Guess what?!  There was so much peace in our home!  All that needed to be accomplished was completed after lunch without complaint or issue.  I wish I had a photo of my two big girls working on school, laying on the bed, side by side in the same place that had been the source of contempt just hours prior.  There was redemption!  While watching them from the hallway, something else caught my eye.  It was the Relax, Soften, Open print pictured above.  I had won it in a giveaway contest 

from HeyHello Design, and as I thought of the words, I loved them for my girls.  I want them to be relaxed so they can enjoy life, soft so they allow God change their hearts,  and open to the leading of the Holy Spirit.  Yes!  

When I was looking at the HeyHello Etsy site, I realized the print was actually intended to be a card  to encourage a mother during childbirth.  In order to bring new life into the world, those are the things that must happen to one's body in the midst of the hard work, agony and pain.  Likewise, when we encounter a challenging circumstance and desire a fresh start, we must relax, soften and open to see it come to be.  

When everything in your sinful nature screams, "TENSE! HARSH! CLOSE!" God whispers, "relax, soften, open, dear one."  This really is the better way.  

These ladies are legit! What a good gift!

Art Credit: Nicole Damon and Shari Henson

Join the Young Living Oily Party

Have you been waiting to jump into using essential oils as part of your family's wellness plan?  Today is the day to begin your journey!  Our family is beyond thankful for these gems as part of our daily striving for health in our home over the past two years.  I would love to come alongside you and help you to get started.  Just click here to sign up for this incredible value found in the Young Living Premium Starter Kit.  For only $160, you will receive:

11 bottles of oil (5ml each)
-Lavender
-Lemon
-Peppermint
-Copaiba
-Frankincense
-Pan Away
-Purification
-RC
-DiGize
-Thieves
A Dewdrop Diffuser
10 Sample Sachets
10 Sample Bottles and Cards for sharing
2 pouches of Ningxia Red
Invaluable Literature to help you familiarize yourself with the company and the products

If you are ready, click HERE to begin your journey!  I guarantee this investment will be worth every penny!

Daddy, After a Year

Today marks one year since the most shocking moment of my life.  Today marks one year since I received a phone call that left me trembling.  Today marks one year without my Daddy.  What a year it has been.   Somedays it still feels like a dream, and other days it is all too real.  The moments I smile the biggest and my heart also rips the most are when Olivia talks about her PawPaw, remembering, "My PawPaw loved me so much!  He would always giggle me, and we would laugh and laugh!"  Daddy's role as PawPaw was beyond perfect for him, as he got to return to being a kid, which we all know he loved.  Cleaning out Momma and Daddy's home of over thirty years has been painful on many levels, but uncovering multiple gifts he purchased for the girls that never made it into their hands has been redemptive.   Clothes, his favorite to buy for the girls, the entire set of The Cat and The Hat Knows A Lot About That books, movies, and several toys have all brought huge smiles to my girls faces as well as my own.  If I had to pick one attribute of Daddy that shined the brightest and pointed me to Jesus the most, it would be his lavish love.  Giving good gifts was only the tip of the iceberg of the way he loved me, our family, and the world.  I want to carry on this legacy!

I want to share a bit of the day before Daddy passed away, because I think, like me, you will see the hand of God all over this day.  It was a Saturday, and several weeks before, I had asked Daddy if he could handle all three girls all day, so Justin and I could attend a conference.  He said, "Sure!" and in typical Daddy, "Go BIG or Go Home," fashion, he responded with, "I think I'll take them to the Zoo!"  I knew that would be a lot to handle, but I could not convince him to wait until Justin and I could go as well.  He spent Friday night with us, and we headed to our conference early Saturday morning.  While at the conference, he checked in, told me they went to IHOP for breakfast, shared Olivia's funny comments of the day about the elephants, and told me that he bought our family Zoo passes for the year. After the conference, we met Daddy and ALL of the Harris crew at Granny and Grandaddy's house to celebrate Granny's 85th birthday.  Daddy was beaming and could not stop talking about how much fun they had!  I cannot think of a better day for PawPaw and his girls.  It is certainly a day that they will never forget and a day that embodies the lavish love Daddy freely gave.

The question of, "How are you?" has surfaced off and on over the past twelve months, and I am so thankful for the care of those God has placed around me.  If I am being honest, most of the time, I have plastered a smile on my face and responded with something to the effect of, "We have good days and hard days, but we are doing alright."  While that is true, it is not a full picture.  I can, however, tell you that after losing Charlotte Jane, Justin and I realized something.  All of those things we said we believed about God being good and always being with us and caring for the brokenhearted were unquestionably true!  Jen Hatmaker says it this way, "You say God is good in the day.  You find out how good He really is in the darkest of nights."  The same was true in Momma's sickness and death; He was near, and He was enough.  The difference with Daddy's passing was the shock.  The inability to prepare myself for taking this blow with any sense of grace left me quite a mess.  I still remember my precious friend coming to pick up her daughter who was planning to stay the night to celebrate Lizzie's birthday.  I flung my arms around her and cried out, "This is just too much!"  I still hold to that.  The loss that I have endured over the past several years is too much!  Were it not for the incredible strength of Jesus, I cannot imaging even functioning in a normal capacity, much less flourishing.  The weight of losing lives that are precious and so close to me is too much to bear, BUT GOD, in his kindness, has met me in those spiraling moments of heartache and fear.  He has drawn me in and comforted my weary soul.  He has led my husband to pour himself out for me, doing much of the heavy labor involving the estate and ensuring that I do not have to make painful phone calls or make difficult decisions alone.  He has comforted the hearts of my sweet baby girls, who also know way too much loss for their little lives, yet they shine with confidence in the promises of God and His character.

The hardest factor over the past year for me has been fighting fear.  As I looked at my life, it seemed to be shaping up to look something like Job's.  With every scenario that faced me, I automatically assumed the worst case, because I believed that loss was my theme.  In one particular instance, Liv had some swollen lymph nodes.  I automatically began to believe that the worst possible situation was staring into my face.  Fear gripped me so tightly that I didn't want to even take her to the doctor and face a diagnosis.  As I prayed and cried out to God, I remember asking, "Why is Loss my theme?"  The tender Father kindly gave me these powerful words, "Loss is NOT your theme, dear one, because YOU ARE MINE!  My theme is VICTORY! My theme is REDEMPTION! Therefore VICTORY AND REDEMPTION are also the themes of your life! Walk in that truth."  Whoa!  I was blown away, and I now had something on which to stand when fighting off the enemy's blazing attacks in my mind.  Finally, on Momma's birthday, I made an appointment with Liv's pediatrician and courageously walked her into that office, standing on the promises of God.  Our sweet doctor quickly dispelled my fears and assured me that what felt to me like the size of grapes were actually smaller than pea size and only Liv's body's appropriate response to fighting off infection.  I breathed relief, and we got ice cream at Melt, and tears welled up inside of me.  The reality is, no matter the outcome of any doctor's appointment or phone call or meeting, I now am facing things head on, as God is making me brave, and I am clinging to His promises.

Today is certain to flood my heart and mind with memories and likely some gut punches, but I also am certain that today will be filled with my God being near to my broken heart and holding me up with His righteous right hand.

Hello and Goodbye

I had high hopes that this post would be introducing you to the newest member of Team Bassett, a little love growing inside me.  Instead, it is an introduction mixed with a farewell.  Miscarriage sucks. This sentiment was given to me by a dear friend who knows the process all too well, as I attempted to tie it up with a pretty bow after losing Hope.  She is right.  Losing a life before you even get to meet the little love, to hold him, to kiss her sweet head, it just isn't right.  It is a product of the fall, and it hurts.

On the night of our tenth anniversary, Justin and I knew that there was a fun surprise growing in my womb.  We giggled, a little in shock, and we dreamed, and we hoped.  For some reason, we both just had a feeling that this was going to be our boy!  What?!  The Bassetts specialize in girls!  I know, I know, but for some reason, we couldn't shake the idea of a boy and the name Judah, so we just went with it.  The name Judah means "Praised," and it was our hope that his life would cause God to be praised!  Even if it was a girl, this remained our hope, but I don't think we would have gone with Judith...

We surprised our girls with the news by putting baby's "footprint" in our driveway alongside their sweet hand prints.  The photo above was going to be our big reveal for our friends!  Our lovely little ladies were even chattering about how fun it would be if this baby was a boy and how exciting it would be to have a baby brother.  This was going to be crazy and awesome!

This time would also be different, because after four hospital births, we decided to use a midwife at a birth center.  I went in just to have my progesterone checked and felt so loved by sweet Donnellyn.  When she got the results of my progesterone, she called and shared with me that my levels were super low.  We increased my dose of Progessence Plus and prayed.

Friday night was a night I had been looking forward to for over a year.  My dear friend, Rachel, from A&M began the Sparrow Conference two years ago, and I have loved being a part of it through serving and counseling girls.  I arrived at the Village Campus in Dallas a little frazzled due to traffic and having to turn around to go back and get my Progessence Plus, but I quickly found friends, got checked in, and began ushering girls into the auditorium.  In the process, I shared my fun baby news with a couple of college friends who were quick to rejoice and get goose bumps with me.  It's no secret that our family has been slapped around over the past several years by loss, so the idea of new life breaking that cycle is precious!

After over 500 young women packed into the auditorium, I slipped into the men's restroom (for a women's conference, the men's bathroom becomes transformed into a ladies' room, even if it only has one stall and two urinals).  It was there, in the stupid men's bathroom, that I saw blood, a pregnant woman's worst nightmare.  I took a few deep breaths, held it together and returned to my seat for worship.   I could not tell you a single song we sang.  I can tell you that I cried, a lot.  My heart ached.  My soul was met by the Comforter, and I felt free to cry.  I sat and listened to Kasey Van Norman walk through Galatians one and two, sharing pieces of her own story, and reminding us that the Gospel is so vast that it is light in terms of burden.  I sat there asking God how He wants to use this story of mine.  I didn't hear the how, but I was reassured that there is purpose in it ALL.  Kasey's words renewed hope that the day is coming when all of this shall be but a glimmer in the light of HIM and His glory, but for now it is a privilege to be int he fight and drawn to Him in the struggle! After she spoke, I slipped to the back to be available to pray with girls, knowing all the while, I needed prayer!  While many sweet girls came needing prayer, I was not needed, so I just got to sing out the words of the song Sovereign Over Us loudly, hands raised, claiming that Your plans are still to prosper, even in the valley You are faithful, You meet us in our mourning with a love that casts out fear, You are working for our good, You have not forgotten us...  Oh what perfect words for my wounded heart!  What kindness!

After helping a youth leader find a missing teenager, I slipped back into the bathroom, hoping for reprieve, but only being reassured of my fear.  Upon my exit, I found Steph, one of those dear college friends who had just an hour before rejoiced with me over new life.  I shared that I was pretty sure I was miscarrying.  We found a couple of chairs in the back of the auditorium and just sat there crying and holding one another for a moment or two, and then she prayed.  Shortly after, Rachel spotted us and joined our prayers, and then my sweet Kristie.  These are women I have known intimately for twelve to fourteen years but only see now on occasion; it truly was kind of God to have me among these sisters to love on me.   While they all were concerned for me to make the drive back to Rhome solo, I knew I needed that alone car time with the Lord.

As I drove home, my girls' Seeds Family Worship CD was playing.   So much truth was being sung over my aching heart and my spinning head.  All of it was good and appropriate, but it didn't soften the blow.  In fact, in some ways it amplified it.  God, this does not feel like love.  God, when is enough, enough?  God, is loss always going to be my story? God, I don't like this theme!   The ache began giving way to fear, but the Holy Spirit kindly stopped me with truth.  Perfect love casts out all fear.  Rather than spiraling into fear, His love enveloped me.  Never once, in the pain of life, have I lacked His presence and His tangible love.  He has never failed, and He certainly will not begin to now.

I arrived home and just fell into my sweet hubby's arms.  He is such a gift.  He knows how to love me, to pray for me, to just be by my side.  We went to bed. I tossed and turned all night.  I woke to my sweet baby girls surprised to see me (we just told them I wasn't feeling well), and y'all their snuggles are the best medicine I can imagine.  Knowing I wasn't feeling well, they were just so extra sweet.  Justin whisked away the girls for a Fuzzy's brunch followed by a birthday party, leaving me alone to rest (midwife's orders), and just be with Jesus.  I did a lot of sitting, and then I picked up my Sally Clarkson book I have been waiting to read, Own Your Life.  Reading Sally is like sitting down to talk with my sweet Momma- so refreshing!  I pulled out my journal, because there were too many good things that just needed to be written down. (Side note, Kasey VanNorman's philosophy on journaling is hilarious, and I will have to share it with you sometime!)  As I wrote out Romans 8:28 for the bajillionth time, the word TOGETHER stared me down, probably because Sally was talking so much about our lives being giant puzzles.  I don't have to call this heartbreaking loss of life good, but it is a piece of the WHOLE GOOD that is in PROCESS.  Whew.  I want to see it.  I want to know NOW HOW He is going to use it.  That isn't in the cards though.  Instead, I have to face the ugly of the coming days, in faith that God keeps His promises, trusting that this isn't without purpose, believing that He is still and always will be a Good Good Father.

Will you join me in praying for our girls?  Justin and I HATE that we have had to share so many pieces of heartbreaking news with our lovelies over the past several years.  It certainly has been an exercise of our faith to believe that just as God meets us in our pain and tends to us uniquely, He does the same with my baby girls.  I have seen Him do it over and over and over, and I know He surely will do it again,  but that doesn't make it easy, just doable.  Holding my oldest beauty in my arms as tears stream down her cheeks, trying to discern the quiet of my middle love, and answering the question, "When will I get to be a big sister?" from my littlest sweet one are some of the most heart wrenching moments of motherhood.  I hate not being able to fix it. I hate not being able to figure it out.  I hate not having an answer.  For last night, the bandaids of America's Funniest Home Videos and Daddy's impromptu convenient store ice cream run were applied.  Before bed, more tears and lots of prayers.  Oh, God, I know this is part of their puzzles too.  I trust you.

So, here we are.  Thanks for journeying with us.  Thank you for fighting for our joy before the throne of God.  Your presence, your words, your acts of service are all beautiful gifts to our family.

With love,
Team Bassett

PS- Friday night was the first time I heard the song Sovereign Over Us.  Since then it has been on constant repeat.  You should definitely check it out.  My favorite version is linked above and is by a girl named Kathryn Scott.  A special thanks to Kristie for helping me find it!

Charlotte Jane FIVE years!

It is unbelievable.  It has been FIVE years since I first met and said goodbye to my precious Charlotte Jane.  This year was no different from years past.  We celebrated.  We grieved.  We wondered.  We laughed.  We worshiped.  We marveled.  According to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus, my God supplied our every need, even those needs we didn't even know that we had!  

As I woke on February 10, with a busy day ahead of me, God kindly put the song Good Good Father in my heart, and I sang it ALL DAY LONG.  Every time I would recall the day Charlotte was born, I was reminded how moment by moment, my Good Good Father was displaying His love for me.  I also love how there are little things that still take me back to that day, because remembering is so good for my heart.  Anything that reminds me of my baby girl, who I don't get to hold, is a sweet gift to my soul.  
Here are just a few things that have CJ written all over them... 

The air mattress.  For the weeks leading up to Charlotte's birth, I was incredibly uncomfortable due to the four times extra amniotic fluid I was carrying.  I was up and down all night long, walking around, always changing positions, so I moved to the living room on the air mattress, which for some reason was better than the bed.  Just hours before my girl was born, I folded up the air mattress to move to Momma and Daddy's house to brace for the impending snow storm and be close to the hospital.  I still remember that day every time I get out or put away the air mattress.

Winter White Cool Lotion.  What? You haven't heard of it?  I think Bath and Body only carried it during Christmas 2009, and I bought it on clearance after the holiday.  During our time in the NICU, I washed my hands incessantly, and therefore they were incredibly dry.  Every time we got home from the hospital, I would lather up in my Winter White Cool lotion that was by the kitchen sink.  The unique smell of this lotion takes me right back to that place.  This bottle of lotion comes out for the month of February every year, and its aroma floods my mind with memories of my baby girl.

Tulips.  We are not fancy people.  I have always been a tulip or gerber daisy girl vs a rose girl.  The thought of all kinds of gaudy flower arrangements coming our way didn't thrill us, and it just didn't seem like an appropriate tribute to our girl.  We asked instead for people to bring tulips to Charlotte's memorial service if they wanted to provide flowers.  It could not have been more perfect.  My amazing friends arranged them to look so beautiful, and now fresh tulips sing, "Charlotte Jane!"

Butterflies.  Since Lizzie's first Christmas, Justin has adopted the tradition of gifting the girls a pretty dress to open Christmas morning.  The Bassett girls have the gift of a hubby and daddy who is a graphic designer, and thus, he has great taste!  Christmas 2009 followed suit, and Justin gave Lizzie and Lainie adorable butterfly dresses from Gymboree which they wore to the memorial service.  They also received the identical butterfly jackets from sweet family friends which they wore to the graveside.  Then, a precious friend mailed the girls a package when Charlotte was born that was saturated in butterfly stickers.  I eventually placed a butterfly sticker representing each of my five babies on my mirror and thought of the two I never really knew often.  Not to mention Butterfly Way was the home where we hoped to bring home our baby girl.  Several months ago, a friend new to my story was moved to purchase me a precious figurine representing Charlotte, complete with Butterfly wings.  Butterflies have always been a symbol of God doing something new, a fresh freedom, if you will.  In case you don't know, Charlotte means FREE man!  What a sweet reminder of my girl and the absolute FREEDOM she knows.

There are a million other triggers that take me back and remind me of my lovely Charlie Jane, and I am so thankful!  Having walked this road very openly over the past five years, I am beyond thankful that I have pressed on, allowing myself to feel the depths and heights of emotions.  I know that many days the idea of trying to forget seemed easier than pressing on and letting myself remember.  However, being here, today, I cannot imagine life without Charlotte being frequently on Justin's lips and my lips and the lips of her sisters.  Charlotte's life has spurred our family on to know Jesus more fully and to long for that Glorious Day when we will know Him completely, just as we are known by him.  What a good gift from a Good Father by whom we are loved.

Last night a group of dear friends gathered with me to celebrate Charlotte.  This is her fifth birthday, and this is the fifth year that we have eaten pink cake and laughed and cried and been refreshed by the Holy Spirit through one another in this setting.  As things wrapped up last night, I praised God for these friends commitment to me and my girl, and I recognized the healing that comes through the gathering of His saints. 

Febloguary 2015 Post 1- How are You?

I'm back!  I had hoped that after the fun of Febloguary 2014, I would be more committed to writing more frequently.  Here's the reality though, LIFE.  It happens, and it is full, and I have to sleep sometimes.  However, I am committed to losing sleep in the month of February to post more and scratch my writing itch.  My goal is ten blogs this month.  Here is what you can expect, in no particular order:

1. How are you?
2. TEN years!
3. Lizzie Grace
4. Lainie Karis
5. Charlotte Jane
6. Olivia Rae
7. Daddy
8. Life in Rhome
9. Sending Well
10. Church

Uh oh... as I typed that list, a whole slew of other topics I want to write about came up.  Maybe you will get a bonus post or two, and maybe just maybe we will stretch into March, since I am kinda getting a late start!

Today, I want to answer the question I get so often, "How are you?!"  It is a rather simple question that I so appreciate people asking.  It has a variety of answers I have banked, depending on the situation.  Since time is not limited here, and I hope to be vulnerable, I will do my best to give you a full on "State of My Heart" address.

After losing Momma at the age of 30, I was certain that 31 would be way better.  As most of you know, we were shocked at Daddy's sudden death in September.  So much for 31 being easier, or more peaceful, or less stressful, or any of that.  I have certainly been slapped around by life in the past several months!

Recently I was driving and praying about a specific situation that has just been all around hard.  I found myself asking God to make it easy, like it used to be.  Then I clearly heard Him remind me that He rarely accomplishes great things through ease or comfort.  He swirled story after story through my head of Him moving mountains, all of which included great struggle, heartache, brokenness and pain. The culmination of these stories was the crucifixion.  My salvation was not secured by a painless life of Jesus.  Rather, it was through His pain and suffering and His passionate choice to take the hard road of death on the cross that LIFE is extended to mankind.  When we engage in the complicated situations that come our way and commit to stay in the fight rather than running, God is honored.  It is also in these places I find myself begging for MORE of Him and pleading for His wisdom in exchange for my feeble attempts of resolve.

All of that to say, here is where I find myself.  The shock of Daddy's passing has still not worn off.  He is still a speed dial option on my phone, I still think he will walk around the corner at Granny's house, I expect him to show up at the girls' activities, I have a list of questions that I want to ask him and stories I want to tell him.  It is crazy.  It is hard.  It still hurts. A LOT.  BUT, GOD IS STILL GOOD.  Here in the ugly cries and the dark days and the heartbreak, I see more of His goodness than ever.  {All of this was written before I watched Jen Hatmaker this weekend at the IF:gathering.}  She so clearly stated what Justin and I have so often said. "You want it to be true in the day (God's goodness), but you find out if it's true in the night. He is good.  I would venture to say He is even better when it's bad. He's so good."  This is so true.

The reality is, IT IS HARD.  The reality is also, IT IS GOOD.  They go hand in hand.  Don't try to wrap your mind around it, because I do believe it is one of those things that only works out in God's economy.  It just doesn't make sense that here I stand, having lost greatly in the past five years, proclaiming the kindness of my God, but I promise you, after all that has been lost, the great gain of knowing His kindness more intimately WINS.  It is well with my soul.