He Has Carried Them...

These girls amaze me!

Thankful for this amazing man who leads our family well!

We took CJ a pinwheel today.  

Lovie Bear and Charlie's "sissy kisses" lovie got to got to the cemetery too.

It is such a privilege to be the mommy of ALL of my girls! 

(yes, I know...Liv needs some neck strengthening before wearing a bow of this magnitude:)

Two years ago, my biggest fear was for Lizzie and Lainie.  I knew that Justin and I would be ok.  We were hurting, but we knew God would carry us.  We could embrace Truth.  My girls, however, were 3and a half and 20 months, how could they possibly understand?

I still remember sitting at the doughnut shop and telling Lizzie that Charlotte would not be coming home to our house.  Lizzie, with tears in her eyes said, "Never?!"  I lost it.  With Lizzie in my lap, she and I both wept.  Our hearts ached together for the baby that we longed for!  Lainie then proceeded to pick up her entire sprinkle doughnut with her teeth and get a good laugh out of us all.  Whew, just what we needed!  Tears accompanied by laughter.

This spectrum of emotions has been felt in our home over the past two years.  Just as God has tenderly carried Justin and me, he has carried my girls through moments of deep sorrow coupled with moments of refreshing hope.  This is an area where I have had to let go.  I want to be  in control of Elizabeth and Elaine's hearts, but I'm not. Only God works on hearts.  I want to protect my sweet girls, but I can't.  Only God can protect.  I want to control my girls' little worlds, but I am unable.  Only God is in control!  Instead of providing a world where everything is always perfect and we pretend that our hearts don't hurt, my role is to guide my girls in Truth, pray for them, walk in a manner that points them to Jesus, and to entrust them to our faithful God.  This is so hard for me, but over the past two years I have seen how near the Father has been to my Lizzie and Lainie.  He has proven himself so faithful!  He is chasing after their hearts, and I have the privilege of seeing it.  Oh I cannot wait for the days when their hearts are captured by His pursuit! 

The talk about Heaven in our home is frequent.  God is weaving a precious eternal perspective into the fabric of our family.  We are learning to hold things very loosely, knowing that this life is NOT the end!  We have HOPE!!! Our girls speak about Charlotte and Hope being with Jesus often.  Death has lost its sting!  Last night we talked about Charlotte's home in Heaven and our future home with Jesus!  We sang O Glorious Day and danced and laughed and rejoiced!  Lizzie asked how we can be sure this is real, referring to the words of the song.  We pointed her to the Bible and God's promises about eternity.  I pray that God will write His Word on her heart as Truth that is far better than a fairy tale.

Though the past two years have been painful and never what we would have chosen for our family, our good God has been magnified in the way he has carried Elizabeth Grace and Elaine Karis.  I anticipate God using their stories, including Charlotte's life and death, in precious ways to further His Kingdom here on earth.  My faith has been strengthened beyond measure because of the manner in which God has tended to the specific needs of my sweet girls.  He is true to His promises.  He has carried them,

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Charlotte Jane, after 2 years

 Happy Birthday Charlie Jane!  We met our sweet girl 2 years ago tonight, a moment I will never forget.  While it was terribly frightening and overwhelming, it also was amazingly peaceful.  As a team of doctors worked to save our baby girl, I prayed and the Lord was so near.  Justin and I prayed and read Truth.  My mom and Taber arrived and waited with us.  Our God was there. He granted the peace that He promises.  His strength allowed us to breathe.
Two years later, that day is still so fresh.  A kiss on my baby girl's forehead.  Holding my husband's hand.  Embracing my momma and dear friend.  There was so much that was unknown that night, but the Holy Spirit granted me a quiet confidence. Our God does not change.  He is steady.  He is THE Rock.
Today was a sweet celebration of Charlotte's life and the One who spoke her life into being.  We had a great time as a family, enjoying a breakfast out.  An older man stopped by our table to tell us what a handsome family we have.  I smiled, thinking how much more handsome we would be if Charlotte was here.  I stopped at Walgreens to pick up pics of Charlie I had printed.  The photo tech tenderly asked to hear Charlotte's story.  I got to speak about God's faithfulness to this precious woman; Charlotte's impact continues.  Dear friends gathered with me for lunch together and some delicious strawberry cake!  Lainie and I snuggled and took a nap together (now that hasn't happened in a LONG time!).  Lizzie and I read together.  Liv and I got some good cuddle time.  We picked out balloons and had some nice time at the cemetery singing happy birthday to Charlotte and rejoicing over her life.  Our night concluded with Mexican food together as a family.
My heart still hurts, because I miss my little girl.  I wonder what she would be like!  Calm and reserved like Lizzie or spunky and spirited like Lainie?  What would life with four little ladies be like? What kind of birthday party would we have had for her?  How would life be different?  And the questions just keep going on and on. There are things that I do know though.  Charlotte Jane made an incredible impact on this world for the Kingdom of God.  Charlie's life was a powerful 7 days of the Lord pouring out his mercies upon His people.  Charlotte pointed us to Jesus. Grace upon Grace was granted to us through our daughter, Charlotte Jane.  We do not grieve as those who have no hope; no, because of Jesus, we look forward to that unfathomable day when death will be no more and we will experience eternal JOY!
Those quiet encouragements that the Holy Spirit assured me of the night Charlotte was born continue to carry me each day.   Our God does not change.  He is steady.  He is THE Rock.  I can stand on this side of two incredibly painful years and testify that these things are true!  Thank you Charlie Jane for teaching your momma so much.  Oh how we love you precious girl!

Here are some pics from our day together.

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Olivia 2 Months (plus a little)

Olivia Rae brightens each of our days!  She is so smiley and generally happy that she just makes life more FUN!  If you were just looking at pictures, well, you would scarcely be able to distinguish between Liv and her big sisters. However, I have taken note of a few ways she is unique.
1. Olivia has a sweet angel kiss on the back of her neck.
2. Olivia does NOT like her pacifier and is anxiously trying to get her thumb into her mouth.
3. Olivia likes to be swaddled! (the proof is in her 8 straight hours of sleep last night!)

I have begun keeping Olivia's 3rd cousin, Liam, during the week, and she is quite enthralled by him!  Take a look at those cute little Super Babies!

Lizzie and Lainie are INCREDIBLE Big Sisters!  

They LOVE Liv soooo much and are always getting her to smile:)

 Love this SMILE!

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Olivia is 6 Weeks

                                        
Ooops!  One month blew right by without an update on our littlest love, so we will do a 6 week post:)

Olivia Rae is such a joy!  Overall she is VERY happy and content most of the time.  Her arch rival goes by the name of Hiccups and visits way more often than with Lizzie or Lainie, which is interesting, because she had them most often in utero as well.  Liv has the eating thing mastered (every 3 hours), and it is obvious by her weight.  She was 10lb 6oz and 22.5 inches at 5 weeks, which puts her in the 85th and 95th percentile respectively.  As for sleep, we are getting there... She has finally capitulated and accepted sleeping in the pack and play during the night, usually just for 3-4 hour stretches, but just last night she went for 5 hours:)  During the day, her naps are often on the go or in the swing or bouncy seat.  We are hoping to settle into a better schedule after the first of the year, but for now, I am very thankful for how flexible and laid back Olivia has been!
Olivia LOVES Lizzie and Lainie!  Lizzie is the master at getting her to smile:)  Both big girls are HUGE helpers, so I rarely have to pick out clothes or throw away diapers.  It warms my heart to see them loving on their baby sister!!!
Liv road tripped to Kansas at two weeks and was a champ in the car!  She was the star of several Thanksgiving celebrations and has already partied hard for Christmas at multiple functions!

We love you Liv, Livy Lou Who, Livy Rae, Olivia!

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Liv's Photo Shoot!

A huge thanks to Cassie Raney and Sassafras Photography for taking such sweet photos of Olivia Rae! How to choose a favorite?!  My bad for not getting them up sooner:) I'm hoping to get an Olivia update posted later today!

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Reflections After One Week!

Olivia was one week old on Monday! She is just precious and such a gift to our family! Lizzie and Lainie adore her and are adjusting really well. With two big sisters, I rarely pick out clothes for her, get a clean diaper or throw out a dirty one; my big girls are rock star helpers! We have also had to establish a few rules... You may not pick Olivia up. You may not put anything on top of her (toys, blankets, or any number of things). You may not get into her bed with her.

Liv weighed 8lbs 3oz at birth and was already back up to her birth weight at 3 days old, so she clearly has the eating thing down! She has gone for 3-4 hour stretches sleeping in her pack and play, but she prefers to be snuggled on mommy's chest for optimal sleep! Olivia has been to WalMart, celebrated Justin's birthday at Rockfish, enjoyed playgroup, made her debut at Lizzie and Lainie's preschool for their Thanksgiving feast, and been to Bible study. Not bad for 10 days of life!

I adore this precious girl, and I would be lying if I said there is not a difference in my response to Olivia Rae because of our experiences with Charlotte Jane. To hear Olivia cry as soon as she was born was overwhelming. The opportunity hold her and nurse her for the first time was beyond incredible, considering as soon as Charlie was born, it required an extensive team just to get her breathing, after which she was whisked away to Cook's. Having Olivia snuggle with Justin and me with very little interruption at the hospital was a gift, as our time with Charlotte was never so private or personal with the plethora of machines and staff she required to sustain her little life. The celebration of bringing home a healthy Olivia to her ecstatic sisters stood in stark contrast to our conversation to tell the girls that Charlotte would never come home to our house. As I feed Liv in the wee hours of the night, I remember the late nights Justin and I spent hovered over Charlie's bed and holding her delicate little fingers. I drove past Cook's and remembered my precious sick little girl on the way to Olivia's well check where she was proclaimed to be in perfect health. It has been such a time of rejoicing and grieving rolled into one. We look forward to the return of Christ where all will be made right, and until then we will walk in the power of the Spirit seeking His glory as He writes our story.

We sing the same songs over Olivia that we sang over Charlotte, believing their truth more deeply than ever before. Our God is Greater! Jesus does intercede on our behalf before the throne of God! Blessed be the Name of the Lord!

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