Febloguary Day 1 (How are you?)

This picture was taken New Year's Eve in my bathroom.  A kind friend had brought me a lovely jar of honey lavender bath salts a few days after Momma passed away.  They smelled divine, and I enjoyed a couple of much needed baths with them before my sweet Liv dropped the jar on the tile, which caused the top and bottom of the jar to break off simultaneously, resulting in this mess.  No one was severely hurt, and bath time was moved to the other bathroom.  Before I could sweep up the debris though, I sat for a good while enjoying the incredible aroma that filled the room.  It was such an unmistakable picture of 2013 for my family.  There had been so much mayhem and brokenness, yet in those very same places was the sweet aroma of Christ carrying us, molding us into His likeness, blessing us with His peace.  I couldn't have asked for a clearer picture from the Lord to describe 2013.

I have taken an extreme hiatus from the Blog.  Life has been happening at an elevated pace for our family, and to sit down and write about it has just been daunting.  However, writing is a joy for me, an outlet, and an opportunity to share the goodness of my generous God, so I am setting aside writing time for myself each day in February and hope to get 20 blogs out this month.  What? Not a single post in 11 months and now this drastic goal?  Yes!  I can tell you that I have it all in my head, and there is PLENTY to write about.  I will take 30 minutes each afternoon to write as well as 30 minutes in the evenings.  Some posts may take longer than others, and I may take a day or two off, so 20 sounds really doable for me, but I will have grace for myself if this lofty goal isn't realized.  It is my hope to have a written record for my family of life over the past year as well as an account of the generosity and graciousness of God throughout our days.

I decided to begin with the question that has been proposed to me most often lately, "How are you?"  That is a great inquiry.  I have a canned 30 second response for some situations, about a 2 minute version for some cases, and a few friends have gotten the depths of my soul.  Here I will give you the deep, laid bare and open truth.

I am honestly doing well.  Obviously some days are better than others, but all in all I am moving through each day without collapsing into a heap of "woe is me".  The loss of Momma has been occurring for the past several years, so I have been grieving as well.  This was not really the first Christmas "without Momma", nor will this month be my first birthday "without her".  In many ways, the past four years of decline in Momma's ability to be the woman I knew her to be have been a grace.  I have grieved deeply not having my annual birthday shopping trip, my girls not knowing their Nana fully, not having pigs in the blanket and Mimosas around the dining room table to celebrate Christmas, not having an apple and orange in the bottom of my stocking, not stopping for happy hour together for cherry lime slushes, her phone number not being in my favorites list, not snuggling up together to watch my girls play and hear how much they remind her of me, not having her pop in and fold my laundry just for fun, not hearing crazy stories of her growing up days, not getting to make fun of her often comical miscues like the "3 week candle", not hearing her encourage me in the Truth she just read, not watching her hold Daddy's hand at the dinner table, not hearing "I love you babe" at the end of the other line, not feeling the embrace of her strong hugs, not having my Momma to come help when I am sick, not seeing her handwriting in notes of encouragement for me or my girls, not, not, not... These things and many more have been grieved, meaning I have cried out to the Lord in my disappointment and laid them at the feet of Jesus.  It has been painful.  Tears have flowed freely at random times.  The grief has taken my breath away on occasion.  BUT, as promised, Jesus has met me in the middle of my kitchen, in the shower, lying in bed, at the mailbox, on the floor of the closet, in the rocking chair, in the car, sitting at the school table, and everywhere in between.

The song I have sung over Olivia every night since I can remember is "Great is Thy Faithfulness".  The lyrics are water to my soul and such a needed reminder of God's nearness and compassion toward me.  This song is deeper in my soul than ever before. I have rested in these words of Lamentations 3:22-23 "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "  They are true.  He is trustworthy.

The idea of resting well is typically lost on me.  I frequently plunge ahead FULL force and end up hitting a wall of exhaustion somewhere down the road.  Then, I decide I should rest, but I don't really know how to do that well, so it quickly spirals into laziness.  However, over the past month, I feel like I have a better understanding of this chasm.  Some sweet friends offered meals for the first couple of weeks of January, and I accepted.  No, things were not in the tornado of chaos that they were prior to Christmas, and I was tempted to say, "No, we are ok," but I thankfully chose to accept the offer.  This was so helpful!  In many ways, it allowed my mind to rest and to just focus on loving my family.  It was sweet to sit and play with Liv or watch another Frozen dance performance by Lizzie and Lainie, or snuggle and watch a show WITH the girls rather than rushing around trying to get dinner together.  Truth be told, some nights I didn't remember that was a responsibility of mine until shortly before the moment little people began to voice their hunger pains.  My mind was just a mess.  Grief is strange like that.  You think of it as a specific action, when actually it is an all encompassing haze that hovers and messes with every part of you.  Those couple of weeks gave me the time I needed to really rest well and be served by sweet friends.  I accepted their generosity, and God used it to heal some areas and shed light on others and overall to grant me the clarity I needed.    I am not completely back with it, but I am in a good place and feeling more like me!

In my brokenness I am breathing deeply and experiencing more of Jesus.  I can't imagine a better crew to have walking this journey alongside me.  We are a beautiful mess, friends, and for that I am thankful.