Charlotte Jane FIVE years!

It is unbelievable.  It has been FIVE years since I first met and said goodbye to my precious Charlotte Jane.  This year was no different from years past.  We celebrated.  We grieved.  We wondered.  We laughed.  We worshiped.  We marveled.  According to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus, my God supplied our every need, even those needs we didn't even know that we had!  

As I woke on February 10, with a busy day ahead of me, God kindly put the song Good Good Father in my heart, and I sang it ALL DAY LONG.  Every time I would recall the day Charlotte was born, I was reminded how moment by moment, my Good Good Father was displaying His love for me.  I also love how there are little things that still take me back to that day, because remembering is so good for my heart.  Anything that reminds me of my baby girl, who I don't get to hold, is a sweet gift to my soul.  
Here are just a few things that have CJ written all over them... 

The air mattress.  For the weeks leading up to Charlotte's birth, I was incredibly uncomfortable due to the four times extra amniotic fluid I was carrying.  I was up and down all night long, walking around, always changing positions, so I moved to the living room on the air mattress, which for some reason was better than the bed.  Just hours before my girl was born, I folded up the air mattress to move to Momma and Daddy's house to brace for the impending snow storm and be close to the hospital.  I still remember that day every time I get out or put away the air mattress.

Winter White Cool Lotion.  What? You haven't heard of it?  I think Bath and Body only carried it during Christmas 2009, and I bought it on clearance after the holiday.  During our time in the NICU, I washed my hands incessantly, and therefore they were incredibly dry.  Every time we got home from the hospital, I would lather up in my Winter White Cool lotion that was by the kitchen sink.  The unique smell of this lotion takes me right back to that place.  This bottle of lotion comes out for the month of February every year, and its aroma floods my mind with memories of my baby girl.

Tulips.  We are not fancy people.  I have always been a tulip or gerber daisy girl vs a rose girl.  The thought of all kinds of gaudy flower arrangements coming our way didn't thrill us, and it just didn't seem like an appropriate tribute to our girl.  We asked instead for people to bring tulips to Charlotte's memorial service if they wanted to provide flowers.  It could not have been more perfect.  My amazing friends arranged them to look so beautiful, and now fresh tulips sing, "Charlotte Jane!"

Butterflies.  Since Lizzie's first Christmas, Justin has adopted the tradition of gifting the girls a pretty dress to open Christmas morning.  The Bassett girls have the gift of a hubby and daddy who is a graphic designer, and thus, he has great taste!  Christmas 2009 followed suit, and Justin gave Lizzie and Lainie adorable butterfly dresses from Gymboree which they wore to the memorial service.  They also received the identical butterfly jackets from sweet family friends which they wore to the graveside.  Then, a precious friend mailed the girls a package when Charlotte was born that was saturated in butterfly stickers.  I eventually placed a butterfly sticker representing each of my five babies on my mirror and thought of the two I never really knew often.  Not to mention Butterfly Way was the home where we hoped to bring home our baby girl.  Several months ago, a friend new to my story was moved to purchase me a precious figurine representing Charlotte, complete with Butterfly wings.  Butterflies have always been a symbol of God doing something new, a fresh freedom, if you will.  In case you don't know, Charlotte means FREE man!  What a sweet reminder of my girl and the absolute FREEDOM she knows.

There are a million other triggers that take me back and remind me of my lovely Charlie Jane, and I am so thankful!  Having walked this road very openly over the past five years, I am beyond thankful that I have pressed on, allowing myself to feel the depths and heights of emotions.  I know that many days the idea of trying to forget seemed easier than pressing on and letting myself remember.  However, being here, today, I cannot imagine life without Charlotte being frequently on Justin's lips and my lips and the lips of her sisters.  Charlotte's life has spurred our family on to know Jesus more fully and to long for that Glorious Day when we will know Him completely, just as we are known by him.  What a good gift from a Good Father by whom we are loved.

Last night a group of dear friends gathered with me to celebrate Charlotte.  This is her fifth birthday, and this is the fifth year that we have eaten pink cake and laughed and cried and been refreshed by the Holy Spirit through one another in this setting.  As things wrapped up last night, I praised God for these friends commitment to me and my girl, and I recognized the healing that comes through the gathering of His saints. 

Febloguary 2015 Post 1- How are You?

I'm back!  I had hoped that after the fun of Febloguary 2014, I would be more committed to writing more frequently.  Here's the reality though, LIFE.  It happens, and it is full, and I have to sleep sometimes.  However, I am committed to losing sleep in the month of February to post more and scratch my writing itch.  My goal is ten blogs this month.  Here is what you can expect, in no particular order:

1. How are you?
2. TEN years!
3. Lizzie Grace
4. Lainie Karis
5. Charlotte Jane
6. Olivia Rae
7. Daddy
8. Life in Rhome
9. Sending Well
10. Church

Uh oh... as I typed that list, a whole slew of other topics I want to write about came up.  Maybe you will get a bonus post or two, and maybe just maybe we will stretch into March, since I am kinda getting a late start!

Today, I want to answer the question I get so often, "How are you?!"  It is a rather simple question that I so appreciate people asking.  It has a variety of answers I have banked, depending on the situation.  Since time is not limited here, and I hope to be vulnerable, I will do my best to give you a full on "State of My Heart" address.

After losing Momma at the age of 30, I was certain that 31 would be way better.  As most of you know, we were shocked at Daddy's sudden death in September.  So much for 31 being easier, or more peaceful, or less stressful, or any of that.  I have certainly been slapped around by life in the past several months!

Recently I was driving and praying about a specific situation that has just been all around hard.  I found myself asking God to make it easy, like it used to be.  Then I clearly heard Him remind me that He rarely accomplishes great things through ease or comfort.  He swirled story after story through my head of Him moving mountains, all of which included great struggle, heartache, brokenness and pain. The culmination of these stories was the crucifixion.  My salvation was not secured by a painless life of Jesus.  Rather, it was through His pain and suffering and His passionate choice to take the hard road of death on the cross that LIFE is extended to mankind.  When we engage in the complicated situations that come our way and commit to stay in the fight rather than running, God is honored.  It is also in these places I find myself begging for MORE of Him and pleading for His wisdom in exchange for my feeble attempts of resolve.

All of that to say, here is where I find myself.  The shock of Daddy's passing has still not worn off.  He is still a speed dial option on my phone, I still think he will walk around the corner at Granny's house, I expect him to show up at the girls' activities, I have a list of questions that I want to ask him and stories I want to tell him.  It is crazy.  It is hard.  It still hurts. A LOT.  BUT, GOD IS STILL GOOD.  Here in the ugly cries and the dark days and the heartbreak, I see more of His goodness than ever.  {All of this was written before I watched Jen Hatmaker this weekend at the IF:gathering.}  She so clearly stated what Justin and I have so often said. "You want it to be true in the day (God's goodness), but you find out if it's true in the night. He is good.  I would venture to say He is even better when it's bad. He's so good."  This is so true.

The reality is, IT IS HARD.  The reality is also, IT IS GOOD.  They go hand in hand.  Don't try to wrap your mind around it, because I do believe it is one of those things that only works out in God's economy.  It just doesn't make sense that here I stand, having lost greatly in the past five years, proclaiming the kindness of my God, but I promise you, after all that has been lost, the great gain of knowing His kindness more intimately WINS.  It is well with my soul.