Three years ago today, at daybreak, I sat in Cracker Barrel eating the nastiest muffin I've ever tasted. I mean, who goes to Cracker Barrel and orders a bran muffin? The answer is a Momma who has just held her baby girl as she breathed her last labored breath. I remember staring at the menu, being nauseated, and also knowing that whatever I ate that morning would forever be associated with the death of my baby. So I did it. I picked the crappy muffin. There really were no redeeming qualities about it, it was just awful, like I felt. Three years later I watched the sun rise from the cemetery while enjoying the most amazing heart shaped sprinkle donut! In case you don't know this, I am a donut connoisseur, and this donut was happiness in every bite!
It just seemed right to eat a sprinkle donut this morning, just as that bran muffin was so appropriate three years ago. I'm not going to lie and say that there were not tears pouring down my cheeks as I sang out to the Lord "Great is Thy Faithfulness" and "Your Love Never Fails" this morning. No doubt, my heart ached as I recounted this painful day. However, my heart also rejoiced in the Hope we have been given and in the glimpses of glory that God has given me through Charlotte Jane. All that scripture that I had memorized and all that stuff I said I believed about God, I now can claim with unwavering confidence, IT IS TRUE!
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This year, more than any year before, I have been compelled to celebrate Charlotte's Seven Days! I got a new frame for my favorite pic of my precious girl that really makes me smile! Precious friends threw a birthday party for sweet girl the Friday before her birthday.
On her birthday, I insisted on sprinkle donuts for the family (Justin and Lainie went to 4 different shops to make this happen for me!), we picnicked at the cemetery, we released fancy balloons, we had races, we sang, and we also bought a birthday cake, complete with a #3 candle, and we sang "Happy Birthday" to our girl. It was such a fun day!
I really am stronger than I could have ever imagined. Why? Because through Charlotte's life and death, I have learned how incredibly weak I really am, and I have finally leaned into the abundant strength of my God.
The nearness of Jesus has been like a heavy warm blanket to still my anxious heart and allow me to really rest.
And WOW! The love that God has poured out on me through sweet friends has been nothing short of incredible. They have not forgotten. They have walked this road shoulder to shoulder with me, only letting me go alone when there was a narrow opening that I must face by myself, and even then, they were there to greet me on the other side and to continue the journey as a visible reminder that Jesus never leaves my side, and He alone brings true freedom.
The thing that has brought me the most sadness this week is that Liv will never know Charlotte. Lizzie and Lainie are best buddies who drive each other bananas. They are 20ish months apart, just like Charlotte and Olivia would be. I want to know firsthand what kind of insanity would be going on in my house with FOUR sweet girls. I want to see them ALL together in the backseat, at the breakfast table, reading books, having a picnic, dog piling their Daddy, and having their nails painted. This is not my reality. I am thankful I have allowed myself to really go to this place though. I somehow thought that I was acting entitled if I longed for this to be true. Instead, God has shown me how to bring these longings before Him, to let Him hold me as I cry, and to see Him more than satisfy the desires of my heart in Him.
1 comment:
Amen sweet friend. Jesus had it planned out. Just 5 days apart we experienced great loss. Jesus held us both. Jesus directed you subbing in my classroom. Jesus directed Lizzie and Lainie to be Giraffes. My life is better because of Angela Bassett. I totally get the bran muffin. Fish sticks and macaroni. I fixed it for Jenny's niece (Jocelyn and Jed) while I watched them so Jenn could go the hospital alone. It was still on the kitchen table when I got home from the hospital. I frantically cleaned because they were bringing Malaya to my house to tell her that her mommy had gone to heaven. Thank you for this post. This year I have chosen to focus on Jenny's life and not her death. It has been hard. To remind myself why I loved her so, because she loved Jesus and that her life reflected that. Not reflecting that I am living my life without her, I miss meeting for dinner or asking her mommy questions, or Jesus questions, but is my life looking like Jesus' life? I am probably rambling. And it probably doesn't make sense. BUT KNOW, that I have been thinking about Charlotte Jane and you quite often this past week. Praying you felt Jesus' hand pressing into you- continuing to change BOTH OF US into what He has planned. HUGS.
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