After 7 months without Charlotte Jane, some days are much easier than others. There are still days where I don't really function well, and my time is the Word has been sporadic. Yes, I know I need it and I know that I can't live without Truth being poured into my soul, but honestly there have been days when I haven't had the energy to fight the lies of the enemy telling me that God's word is not sufficient- what a nasty cycle that can become, huh?!
Thankfully I am surrounded by incredible friends and the best husband ever! Most recently Justin has spoken the truth of Proverbs 3:5 over me. I must confess that I initially wanted to tune him out, thinking, "yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that one." However, he then challenged me by saying, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart- what does that mean? What are you trusting in?" As we discussed it further we talked about trusting in God's character, trusting in God's sovereignty, trusting in God's promises, trusting in God's truth, and trusting in God's love for his people. Then he asked again, "Lean not on your own understanding- what does this mean?" For me it boiled down to not clinging to my idea of what this life should look like or my perception of what His best really is. All of this leaves me thankful. I have the God of the universe who has given me life through Jesus to cling to, depend on, and rest in. He is more than enough, and I need Him desperately!
As Lizzie is in preschool 2 days a week, I have loved my time alone with Elaine. However, with every moment enjoyed with just the two of us comes a reminder that it was supposed to be Lainie and Charlie. When I was asked by Lizzie's teachers for the names of her immediate family members, I didn't include Charlotte. Oh, I miss our girl!
At the cemetery this month we sang Sing to the King and worshipped our sustaining God with great HOPE. Lainie asked if an angel statue was Jesus, most likely because we say Charlotte is with Jesus, so she assumed that He had to be there at the cemetery. This was a confusing conversation with a two year old who is very concrete. My hope though is that very early on God will call Lizzie and Lainie to himself and they will grasp the truth of Christ in us, the Hope of Glory. That while Charlotte is in perfection with Jesus, he allows us a taste of glory here on earth as His Spirit dwells within us.
Thanks again for prayers lifted up on our behalf, calls, texts and emails. God has used you greatly!
4 comments:
Your testimony about Charlotte and your feelings never ceases to amaze me. I know God is working on some great things through you. You are such a light for Him. Love you Ang!
You are a blessed woman! Continuing to lift you and your family in my prayers!! I know this will sound cheesy and might sound weird- because everything Emma went through but also because of your experience with Charlotte, thinking that she would only be a little over a month older than Carol, has made me so thankful for Carol's healthy life-- something not to take for granted as a right but rather as a blessing.
I love your honesty, sweet friend. And I love that you are continuing to allow the Lord to work in and through you what is pleasing to Him, even when it hurts and it's not very pretty. :)
Love you to pieces!
Oh, how I needed these words: "Lean not on your own understanding- what does this mean?" For me it boiled down to not clinging to my idea of what this life should look like or my perception of what His best really is. All of this leaves me thankful. I have the God of the universe who has given me life through Jesus to cling to, depend on, and rest in. He is more than enough, and I need Him desperately!" Thank you for sharing in the midst of your struggle and sorrow. I, too, need the Lord more than anything (we all do!) My husband had a stroke this year, and we are raising 4 young kids. Life is tough, but I have everything I need in Jesus!
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