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On the night of our tenth anniversary, Justin and I knew that there was a fun surprise growing in my womb. We giggled, a little in shock, and we dreamed, and we hoped. For some reason, we both just had a feeling that this was going to be our boy! What?! The Bassetts specialize in girls! I know, I know, but for some reason, we couldn't shake the idea of a boy and the name Judah, so we just went with it. The name Judah means "Praised," and it was our hope that his life would cause God to be praised! Even if it was a girl, this remained our hope, but I don't think we would have gone with Judith...
We surprised our girls with the news by putting baby's "footprint" in our driveway alongside their sweet hand prints. The photo above was going to be our big reveal for our friends! Our lovely little ladies were even chattering about how fun it would be if this baby was a boy and how exciting it would be to have a baby brother. This was going to be crazy and awesome!
This time would also be different, because after four hospital births, we decided to use a midwife at a birth center. I went in just to have my progesterone checked and felt so loved by sweet Donnellyn. When she got the results of my progesterone, she called and shared with me that my levels were super low. We increased my dose of Progessence Plus and prayed.
Friday night was a night I had been looking forward to for over a year. My dear friend, Rachel, from A&M began the Sparrow Conference two years ago, and I have loved being a part of it through serving and counseling girls. I arrived at the Village Campus in Dallas a little frazzled due to traffic and having to turn around to go back and get my Progessence Plus, but I quickly found friends, got checked in, and began ushering girls into the auditorium. In the process, I shared my fun baby news with a couple of college friends who were quick to rejoice and get goose bumps with me. It's no secret that our family has been slapped around over the past several years by loss, so the idea of new life breaking that cycle is precious!
After over 500 young women packed into the auditorium, I slipped into the men's restroom (for a women's conference, the men's bathroom becomes transformed into a ladies' room, even if it only has one stall and two urinals). It was there, in the stupid men's bathroom, that I saw blood, a pregnant woman's worst nightmare. I took a few deep breaths, held it together and returned to my seat for worship. I could not tell you a single song we sang. I can tell you that I cried, a lot. My heart ached. My soul was met by the Comforter, and I felt free to cry. I sat and listened to Kasey Van Norman walk through Galatians one and two, sharing pieces of her own story, and reminding us that the Gospel is so vast that it is light in terms of burden. I sat there asking God how He wants to use this story of mine. I didn't hear the how, but I was reassured that there is purpose in it ALL. Kasey's words renewed hope that the day is coming when all of this shall be but a glimmer in the light of HIM and His glory, but for now it is a privilege to be int he fight and drawn to Him in the struggle! After she spoke, I slipped to the back to be available to pray with girls, knowing all the while, I needed prayer! While many sweet girls came needing prayer, I was not needed, so I just got to sing out the words of the song Sovereign Over Us loudly, hands raised, claiming that Your plans are still to prosper, even in the valley You are faithful, You meet us in our mourning with a love that casts out fear, You are working for our good, You have not forgotten us... Oh what perfect words for my wounded heart! What kindness!
After helping a youth leader find a missing teenager, I slipped back into the bathroom, hoping for reprieve, but only being reassured of my fear. Upon my exit, I found Steph, one of those dear college friends who had just an hour before rejoiced with me over new life. I shared that I was pretty sure I was miscarrying. We found a couple of chairs in the back of the auditorium and just sat there crying and holding one another for a moment or two, and then she prayed. Shortly after, Rachel spotted us and joined our prayers, and then my sweet Kristie. These are women I have known intimately for twelve to fourteen years but only see now on occasion; it truly was kind of God to have me among these sisters to love on me. While they all were concerned for me to make the drive back to Rhome solo, I knew I needed that alone car time with the Lord.
As I drove home, my girls' Seeds Family Worship CD was playing. So much truth was being sung over my aching heart and my spinning head. All of it was good and appropriate, but it didn't soften the blow. In fact, in some ways it amplified it. God, this does not feel like love. God, when is enough, enough? God, is loss always going to be my story? God, I don't like this theme! The ache began giving way to fear, but the Holy Spirit kindly stopped me with truth. Perfect love casts out all fear. Rather than spiraling into fear, His love enveloped me. Never once, in the pain of life, have I lacked His presence and His tangible love. He has never failed, and He certainly will not begin to now.
I arrived home and just fell into my sweet hubby's arms. He is such a gift. He knows how to love me, to pray for me, to just be by my side. We went to bed. I tossed and turned all night. I woke to my sweet baby girls surprised to see me (we just told them I wasn't feeling well), and y'all their snuggles are the best medicine I can imagine. Knowing I wasn't feeling well, they were just so extra sweet. Justin whisked away the girls for a Fuzzy's brunch followed by a birthday party, leaving me alone to rest (midwife's orders), and just be with Jesus. I did a lot of sitting, and then I picked up my Sally Clarkson book I have been waiting to read, Own Your Life. Reading Sally is like sitting down to talk with my sweet Momma- so refreshing! I pulled out my journal, because there were too many good things that just needed to be written down. (Side note, Kasey VanNorman's philosophy on journaling is hilarious, and I will have to share it with you sometime!) As I wrote out Romans 8:28 for the bajillionth time, the word TOGETHER stared me down, probably because Sally was talking so much about our lives being giant puzzles. I don't have to call this heartbreaking loss of life good, but it is a piece of the WHOLE GOOD that is in PROCESS. Whew. I want to see it. I want to know NOW HOW He is going to use it. That isn't in the cards though. Instead, I have to face the ugly of the coming days, in faith that God keeps His promises, trusting that this isn't without purpose, believing that He is still and always will be a Good Good Father.
Will you join me in praying for our girls? Justin and I HATE that we have had to share so many pieces of heartbreaking news with our lovelies over the past several years. It certainly has been an exercise of our faith to believe that just as God meets us in our pain and tends to us uniquely, He does the same with my baby girls. I have seen Him do it over and over and over, and I know He surely will do it again, but that doesn't make it easy, just doable. Holding my oldest beauty in my arms as tears stream down her cheeks, trying to discern the quiet of my middle love, and answering the question, "When will I get to be a big sister?" from my littlest sweet one are some of the most heart wrenching moments of motherhood. I hate not being able to fix it. I hate not being able to figure it out. I hate not having an answer. For last night, the bandaids of America's Funniest Home Videos and Daddy's impromptu convenient store ice cream run were applied. Before bed, more tears and lots of prayers. Oh, God, I know this is part of their puzzles too. I trust you.
So, here we are. Thanks for journeying with us. Thank you for fighting for our joy before the throne of God. Your presence, your words, your acts of service are all beautiful gifts to our family.
With love,
Team Bassett
PS- Friday night was the first time I heard the song Sovereign Over Us. Since then it has been on constant repeat. You should definitely check it out. My favorite version is linked above and is by a girl named Kathryn Scott. A special thanks to Kristie for helping me find it!
