Tuesday marked 6 months since Charlotte's time here on earth ended and her days in glory began. I am wondering when the 17th day of a month will come without me going through the day processing the events of February 17th: the phone call, the drive to the hospital, the decision to hold our girl as she met Jesus, holding Charlotte for the first and last time, singing over her, praying with Justin, crying tears of unknown emotions, discovering the rare sickness CJ was exposed to in the womb, making funeral arrangements for our baby, being embraced by family and sweet friends, knowing we would have to tell our big girls that Charlie Jane would never come to live at our house, our lifegroup coming over and praying over us, and going to sleep knowing that this wasn't a bad dream, but it was in fact reality for our family.
Going into this month, I knew it was going to be rough. Our precious niece, Amoriyah was due to join the world on July 30th, and being the punctual little lady she is, she came right on schedule! Jenn and I were pregnant for a few months together, and the idea of cousins so close in age got us really excited. However, Amoriyah's arrival was yet another reminder that there would be no cousins in the same grade of school, no running off at family events to make mischief together, no chatting between Jenn and I about how Charlotte and Amoriyah were growing and developing. Again, God's sovereignty came into play. Amoriyah arrived quickly and late at night which did not allow Justin and I to both go to the hospital. Not wanting me in a creepy parking garage alone, Justin went as our family representative. I wept deeply that night missing my girl. As much as I wanted to be with Justin in those moments, the best thing for me was to cry out to Jesus in his absence. I read Psalm after Psalm of God's unwavering faithfulness, I was reminded that He is Good and what He does is Good, I was reassured that I don't have to understand why Charlotte's life was so short to worship Him, because He is trustworthy.
We had good time as a family together at the cemetery on Charlotte's birthday where Justin had taken new pretty gerber daisies on his way home from work, and dear friends had left a beautiful plant and a sweet sign in Charlotte's memory. "Thy Mercy" by Caedmons Call has been Elaine's song of choice this month, so we sang it together and worshiped our good God who extends great mercy to us! Elaine is beginning to ask "Where'd Charlotte go?" For now, she accepts the answer, "Charlotte is with Jesus in heaven," but I am looking forward to our future conversations and the opportunity to teach her very early on that because of Jesus, we have hope that far exceeds this broken world we live in!
Hope: this glorious word has defined our month! Charlotte's 6 month birthday was probably the hardest one yet. I still cannot pinpoint why, but I can tell you that the tears flowed freely, and I clung so desperately to words of truth in that day. Praise Jesus that He knew it was going to be a rough day for me. The day before, Taber, Steph, and Beth Anne took me to breakfast, and on the 10th, He provided just the perfect mix of downtime combined with activity with sweet friends which allowed me to grieve but also to press on motivated by the Hope we have in Him. Seriously though, reminders of my baby girl were at every turn! We went to a special event at the library where there was a ventriloquist, and just guess what her first puppet's name was, yup- Charlotte! It was at that point that I wanted to scream, "Yes, I know my baby would be 6 months old today! I remember!" Then, I looked around the library full of people and was softened to what was on the hearts of the rest of the patrons. Most moms in that room were not locked into the hilarity of a puppet show. Their minds too were racing with struggles, frustrations, doubts, insecurities, hurts, and fears. No, the middle of the library is not the time to divulge the depths of your heart, but in those moments, I did praise Jesus for the husband and friends I have with whom I can share my burdens. I rejoiced in the hope that we as followers of Christ have and ached for the women in that room who have no hope. While I have said this multiple times before, I will say it again-I simply don't know how I would function daily without the faith that the Gospel is true! I pray that our story and that our family would be a light in this dark world, pointing people to the goodness, mercy and grace of our Lord.
This month Lizzie and I went through Charlotte's box together on her "heaven day." We giggled at CJ's crazy sunglasses from the bili light, marveled at her sweet foot imprint, praised Jesus for the huge stack of cards from friends and family who loved Charlotte, and talked about that glorious day when Jesus comes back! Elizabeth had wanted to go through the box for a long time, and I was so glad we did. There were sweet memories of the shampoo I used to wash Charlie's hair, the bow that a precious nurse made for our girl, and CJ's "sissy kisses" lovie that Lizzie and Lainie would love on and send back and forth from home to the hospital. It's amazing that 7 days can create such a plethora of memories!
While this month has been full of emotional challenges, it also has presented countless opportunities for God to use our pain and our story to encourage others in the midst of difficult circumstances. I am thankful for the sensitive spirit He has given us toward those who are wading through life's raging waters, especially regarding situations with their children. It is my delight to serve these friends in prayer and encourage them in the truth as so many have done for us in the past several months. We are blessed beyond belief to still be receiving notes, texts, and emails reminding us that the body of Christ is an incredible gift! Thank you for loving our family well!!!!
