Seven Days of Olivia Rae... Day 6

Today is day 6 and it is devoted to what Jesus has taught me through the life of Miss Olivia Rae.  This post will will reach back 21 months, because so much of what I learned was in the 9 months that Liv grew inside of me.

I suppose that I was so anxious to get pregnant again, that I didn't think quite enough about what the emotions would be like during a pregnancy following the loss of Charlotte and then of Hope.  I just really wanted another baby.  I knew I was pregnant in mid February but I refused to take a test until March and then didn't announce anything until the end of April!  There was just something so overwhelming about embarking on this journey, so the things that made it official were really scary!  It was a daily fight to not be paralyzed by fear and to in turn take captive every thought the enemy threw my way of the "what if's?"  It was in those days that I felt almost suffocated by fear that the Lord lifted me up.  He sent Truth my way via sweet friends who were clearly walking in the Spirit and were obedient to His promptings.  What a sweet gift those phone calls, texts, emails, and hugs were!  I wish I could say that I was bathing myself in scripture, but I honestly was just hanging on by a thread, so those nuggets of Truth really were what I clung to.  Looking back, I am so thankful for friends who fight with me and for me and are strong when I am weak.  I really am not sure how I functioned as a mom and wife for the first half of my pregnancy, much less as a friend, so thanks to those of you who hung with me in what was likely a very one-sided relationship.  I mean, when you are afraid to go to the bathroom for fear of what you may see... life is pretty dicey.  However, I am the paint a smile on your face gal, so it is likely that very few of you saw this fear.  Looking back, I wish I had been more honest in the moment, but I think I was afraid I may explode if I just let down my guard slightly.

While my pregnancy was fear filled, it was also excitement filled.  While we rejoiced over having another girl, we also grieved not having Charlotte.  While I love the relationship that Lizzie and Lainie share, I often wonder what the relationship between Charlie and Liv would have been like (they too would be 20 months apart).  When people comment about my 3 beautiful girls, I want to scream "There are 4, and actually a 5th that we never knew!"  We are walking in a constantly swinging pendulum of thankfulness and grief.  I really don't think there is a line in the middle, and even if there was, I am not sure I would want to walk it.  I think it is only right that we feel both emotions fully, even if my life feels like a never ending roller coaster!

I think about Charlotte and Hope often. As I nurse Liv, get her dressed, take her picture, buckle her into the car seat, sing over her, bathe her, listen to her laugh, teach her new things, watch her play, watch her sisters love on her, watch her love her Daddy, hover over her peaceful sleeping, I just wonder what it would be like to do all of those things with Charlotte and Hope too.  Jesus has given me sweet peace in these moments.  I think at first I felt guilty for not trusting His plan in these moments, but He has tenderly loved me as I asked questions and actually given me a new freedom in coming before Him with my heart laid bare rather than with the response I think I am supposed to have.  For this I am thankful!

There is much more that I have learned through life with Liv.  I am sure I will continue to process it, and I will share as I am able, but I hope you have seen a glimpse of my heart here.

We have always sung over our girls before bed, and Olivia is no different.  I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about what her special song would be, but the Lord gave me "Great is Thy Faithfulness"  very early on, and we have gone with it.  It really is perfect.  Lamentations very much captures my heart in so many ways, so I am glad to be able to sing the Truth of it over my sweet girl so often.

Lamentations 3:21-24

21 But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:

22 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;^b
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”

Life with Olivia is precious!  She is so full of personality and light.  She is a GOOD GIFT!  I am so hopeful for what God has planned for her life and how her story will be woven into the tapestry of His Kingdom.