Daddy, After a Year

Today marks one year since the most shocking moment of my life.  Today marks one year since I received a phone call that left me trembling.  Today marks one year without my Daddy.  What a year it has been.   Somedays it still feels like a dream, and other days it is all too real.  The moments I smile the biggest and my heart also rips the most are when Olivia talks about her PawPaw, remembering, "My PawPaw loved me so much!  He would always giggle me, and we would laugh and laugh!"  Daddy's role as PawPaw was beyond perfect for him, as he got to return to being a kid, which we all know he loved.  Cleaning out Momma and Daddy's home of over thirty years has been painful on many levels, but uncovering multiple gifts he purchased for the girls that never made it into their hands has been redemptive.   Clothes, his favorite to buy for the girls, the entire set of The Cat and The Hat Knows A Lot About That books, movies, and several toys have all brought huge smiles to my girls faces as well as my own.  If I had to pick one attribute of Daddy that shined the brightest and pointed me to Jesus the most, it would be his lavish love.  Giving good gifts was only the tip of the iceberg of the way he loved me, our family, and the world.  I want to carry on this legacy!

I want to share a bit of the day before Daddy passed away, because I think, like me, you will see the hand of God all over this day.  It was a Saturday, and several weeks before, I had asked Daddy if he could handle all three girls all day, so Justin and I could attend a conference.  He said, "Sure!" and in typical Daddy, "Go BIG or Go Home," fashion, he responded with, "I think I'll take them to the Zoo!"  I knew that would be a lot to handle, but I could not convince him to wait until Justin and I could go as well.  He spent Friday night with us, and we headed to our conference early Saturday morning.  While at the conference, he checked in, told me they went to IHOP for breakfast, shared Olivia's funny comments of the day about the elephants, and told me that he bought our family Zoo passes for the year. After the conference, we met Daddy and ALL of the Harris crew at Granny and Grandaddy's house to celebrate Granny's 85th birthday.  Daddy was beaming and could not stop talking about how much fun they had!  I cannot think of a better day for PawPaw and his girls.  It is certainly a day that they will never forget and a day that embodies the lavish love Daddy freely gave.

The question of, "How are you?" has surfaced off and on over the past twelve months, and I am so thankful for the care of those God has placed around me.  If I am being honest, most of the time, I have plastered a smile on my face and responded with something to the effect of, "We have good days and hard days, but we are doing alright."  While that is true, it is not a full picture.  I can, however, tell you that after losing Charlotte Jane, Justin and I realized something.  All of those things we said we believed about God being good and always being with us and caring for the brokenhearted were unquestionably true!  Jen Hatmaker says it this way, "You say God is good in the day.  You find out how good He really is in the darkest of nights."  The same was true in Momma's sickness and death; He was near, and He was enough.  The difference with Daddy's passing was the shock.  The inability to prepare myself for taking this blow with any sense of grace left me quite a mess.  I still remember my precious friend coming to pick up her daughter who was planning to stay the night to celebrate Lizzie's birthday.  I flung my arms around her and cried out, "This is just too much!"  I still hold to that.  The loss that I have endured over the past several years is too much!  Were it not for the incredible strength of Jesus, I cannot imaging even functioning in a normal capacity, much less flourishing.  The weight of losing lives that are precious and so close to me is too much to bear, BUT GOD, in his kindness, has met me in those spiraling moments of heartache and fear.  He has drawn me in and comforted my weary soul.  He has led my husband to pour himself out for me, doing much of the heavy labor involving the estate and ensuring that I do not have to make painful phone calls or make difficult decisions alone.  He has comforted the hearts of my sweet baby girls, who also know way too much loss for their little lives, yet they shine with confidence in the promises of God and His character.

The hardest factor over the past year for me has been fighting fear.  As I looked at my life, it seemed to be shaping up to look something like Job's.  With every scenario that faced me, I automatically assumed the worst case, because I believed that loss was my theme.  In one particular instance, Liv had some swollen lymph nodes.  I automatically began to believe that the worst possible situation was staring into my face.  Fear gripped me so tightly that I didn't want to even take her to the doctor and face a diagnosis.  As I prayed and cried out to God, I remember asking, "Why is Loss my theme?"  The tender Father kindly gave me these powerful words, "Loss is NOT your theme, dear one, because YOU ARE MINE!  My theme is VICTORY! My theme is REDEMPTION! Therefore VICTORY AND REDEMPTION are also the themes of your life! Walk in that truth."  Whoa!  I was blown away, and I now had something on which to stand when fighting off the enemy's blazing attacks in my mind.  Finally, on Momma's birthday, I made an appointment with Liv's pediatrician and courageously walked her into that office, standing on the promises of God.  Our sweet doctor quickly dispelled my fears and assured me that what felt to me like the size of grapes were actually smaller than pea size and only Liv's body's appropriate response to fighting off infection.  I breathed relief, and we got ice cream at Melt, and tears welled up inside of me.  The reality is, no matter the outcome of any doctor's appointment or phone call or meeting, I now am facing things head on, as God is making me brave, and I am clinging to His promises.

Today is certain to flood my heart and mind with memories and likely some gut punches, but I also am certain that today will be filled with my God being near to my broken heart and holding me up with His righteous right hand.