After 5 Months

Saturday marked five months since Charlotte's short life here on earth ended. This month I have experienced the miscarriage of a sweet friend's baby and the birth of another, both of which brought on intense emotions. I mourned the loss with one and was able to say in absolute confidence, "Our God is Good and His love is unfailing and He will carry you." I rejoiced over the new life of another baby and praised God for the miracle of no complications. All the while I missed Charlie Jane. The above picture is now hanging in our hallway, and both Elizabeth and Elaine talk about her often; I like it that way, but it is also hard. A close friend and I had due dates 2 days apart, and as I watch Elaine love on and stand in awe of baby Tripp, I miss Charlotte. I wonder how our family would look and what life would be like with a five month old sweet baby girl. Then God lovingly and tenderly brings me back to reality where it is good to mourn but even better to look at His unchanging character and to be reminded of His unfailing Truth.

As I worshiped with the body of believers at CityView yesterday, I don't know that I have ever been more thankful for that time together. I looked around me and saw dear friends trusting God with the fresh diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy for their son, a couple stepping out in faith to soon plant a church, good friends struggling to understand their role in the lives of other friends who are hurting, single girls who desperately desire a husband, a friend who is struggling with what to say to her 14 year old niece that is fighting cancer, a girl who wants to know God deeply and trust Him but just isn't there yet, a man who has been without a job for months and desires to be the provider for His family, and so many others whose stories I don't know. Together we came before the throne, believing that as we sang

"I sought the Lord, He answered me

And delivered me, from all my fears, from all my fears

Those who look to Him, are radiant

And their faces will not show disappointment, no disappointment"

that it is in fact True! Our God is not holding out on us.

"For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly."

Though our lives may not look as we would have ever chosen for ourselves, when we seek the Lord in the midst of challenging circumstances He is faithful to answer! He does deliver us from ALL OUR FEARS; He does not disappoint! What an incredible blessing to be surrounded by this honest and real group of people practicing for Heaven and the day where our circumstances of heartache, frustration, dispair, and sadness are wiped away and faith is no more because we are face to face with the One who does not disappoint! Oh I love the Body of Christ, and eternity together is going to be fun! But, until then, I will fight for Truth, grieve in season, and rejoice in season alongside them, and I will be thankful for them doing the same for me!

This was a great month for Justin and I! We were able to get away with our good friends, the Crawfords, and take a 4 day vacation without children or technology! It was such sweet time to relax, rest and simply enjoy each other. I did fight some pretty serious guilt the day or two before we left, knowing that if Charlotte were still here, we would not have been taking the trip. I submitted it to the Lord though, and He faithfully assured my heart that this was a much needed time away, and it in no way dishonored Charlotte. I have also struggled with what to say when meeting someone new who asks how many children I have. Sometimes I just don't want to talk about it, so I say "two," and sometimes I include Charlotte, but then it is awkward for the other person. I am hopeful that the Holy Spirit will lead me in these times, because if our story could be an encouragement used of God, then no matter how awkward or difficult it may be, I want to share it!

We miss our sweet Charlotte, but we are delighted that God is working in our hearts and that we are able to testify to His goodness toward His people. Thank you again for your friendship and for joining us on this road; God is indeed gracious to us!