After 3 Months

Monday marked three months since sweet Charlotte Jane's birth. As Justin and I left the cemetery Monday, we both remarked,"It's only been 3 months?" The past month has been probably the hardest for me so far. I began making phone calls to pay all of the bills we owe and had to tell my story to people who had no background. I cried a lot. Thankfully, Justin took over that task from me; I love my husband! Also, this month, I began to read through a book called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew." I HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone else who has had a miscarriage or lost an infant. While it is a great book, I cry pretty much every time I sit down with it, as I deal with deep emotions I didn't even know I had. The tears have been healing though, and I will continue to make my way through this excellent resource as God heals my heart. There have also been some little things that have been a big deal for me. One of them probably no one else even realized. Around Christmas time I happened to be in Gymboree to exchange a Christmas present for a different size. In the clearance bin, an adorable orange dress with white polka dots caught my eye. I decided that if there was one in each of the girls' sizes for this coming summer that I would buy them. Sure enough I found the perfect sizes and bought what I assumed to be the first of many purchases of matching clothes for my 3 little ladies. Those dresses have been put up in the top of a closet, and I every time I saw them I got choked up. On Mothers Day, I decided to let Lizzie and Lainie wear their's. They looked adorable, got a ton of compliments, and my mind wandered off thinking how fun it would have been to have all three of my sweet girls in their matching polka dot dresses.

As we grow and move through our grief, our opportunities to encourage others in their times of challenge have increased. I was asked to write an article for the Mothers' Milk Bank which was a really good exercise for me, and I am hopeful that it encouraged others. Another exciting thing this month is getting to spend the money donated in memory of Charlotte for our our children's ministry at CityView. We were able to buy new blinds for our classrooms, nice tables and chairs, musical instruments, and a lot of fun things for our kiddos! It is really exciting to see how Charlotte's life is going to bless so many children for years to come thanks to a lot of people's generosity!

Thank you again for joining us on this journey! We appreciate it greatly! God is so good and continues to work in our lives; what more could we ask?


My story for the Milk Bank:
Baby Girl #3! We were elated at the news that another little girl would be added to our family and began planning for a life of more pink and more bows. A couple of months before my due date, I began to get very uncomfortable, but I just assumed that little Charlotte was situated strangely. At a 36 week ultrasound, I was diagnosed with extreme polyhydramnios (excessive amniotic fluid), and a more in depth ultrasound showed that Charlotte’s head was small for her fetal age which would likely present her with some challenges upon birth. After all of this sunk in, many tears were cried and my husband and I reminded each other that God was in control, and we basically just waited for Charlotte’s arrival to find out what was really going on.

A week later, my water broke, we headed to the hospital, and Charlotte Jane was born within 30 minutes of our arrival. Immediately a team of NICU doctors and nurses began working on her and finally got her stable enough for transport to Cook Children ’s. I got to kiss her on the forehead before she left. Honestly, there was no guarantee and little optimism that she would survive the transport. However, Charlotte made it to Cook’s, and the outlook was much brighter when we visited her the next day. Although she was not ready for milk yet, I began to pump with the hope that she would soon be ready and benefit from getting my milk. The next seven days were exhausting but so precious at the same time. My husband and I spent most of the day at the hospital with Charlotte, would come home for dinner with our other two daughters, and then return to the NICU until midnight or so. The pump room at the hospital was often a refuge for me --a place I could lock myself in, cry, and hope for the day Charlotte was healthy enough to nurse. Charlotte actually did have one really good day and got one feeding of my milk; that was a happy day! As it became more evident that Charlotte’s struggle was coming to an end, I had no desire to stop pumping; rather, I thought of all of the other precious babies in that NICU whose mommies were not able to pump and give them the gift of mommy milk. Having a friend at my church who serves on the board for the Mothers’ Milk Bank, I realized that I had the opportunity to donate the milk I had collected.

Charlotte Jane died only a week after she was born. The struggle to press on and to fight for joy in such a heartbreaking time has been tough, but knowing that the milk that was supposed to be hers is now a gift to other babies so they can keep fighting is precious and brings a smile to my face. I continued to pump for a month after Charlotte’s birth hoping I could bless other babies while I grieved the loss of my own. I was able to provide the Mothers’ Milk Bank with several hundred ounces of milk, and I pray many babies are blessed by Charlotte’s life through my donation.