After 11 Months

This post is over due for sure! Our sweet Charlotte would be over 11 months old, and oh how we miss her dearly!

The past month has been monumental for Justin and me. On the 17th, which marked 11 months since we held our girl as she went to be with Jesus, a precious friend of mine gave birth to her baby girl at 25 weeks, a 1lb 12oz micro preemie.

In an instant, a place we had tried to forget (the NICU), a vocabulary that had been long since pushed to the farthest parts of my brain, and that awful feeling of helplessness all returned to our life. As we have walked with our friends over the past couple of weeks, it has been painful. As we have walked with our friends over the past couple of weeks it has been redeeming. As we have walked with our friends over the past couple of weeks it has been a blessing. We have been able to relate to the roller coaster of unknowns, fears, rejoicing over little victories, heartbreak, and thankfulness for each breath taken, and it is good to be able to honestly say, "I understand." While it has been painstakingly hard, this time has also been a precious glimpse into how God is using our story for His glory. We are not entitled to see how the Lord is working, but in His mercy, He has allowed us this peek into His plan.

We still can't wrap our finite minds around His infinite purposes and perfect ways, and we wish our CJ was here. This month, our conversations of wondering what Charlotte would be like have increased. As I watch my friends' babies who are around the same age as Charlie would be, I can't help but ponder how her personality would be developing, who she would look like, and how glorious it would be to have her here. I so miss my Charlotte Jane.

We covet your prayers as the coming weeks will certainly be challenging for our family. Our hope is to celebrate well and grieve well in these days. Jesus, be magnified in our response to you. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your story and thank your for carrying us through it.

(The picture is one of my favorites. It was the day I felt most like Charlotte's mommy. I got to wash her hair:) This was such a joy for me, and I am so thankful to Liz, her nurse, who knew how much this would mean to me. Thank you Charlotte for teaching me to rejoice in the little things!)

11 in 11 (plus pics from our photo session)

Most of you know that 2010 was to say the least a challenging year for our family. If things like getting gray hair, wrinkles showing up on your face, gaining weight, your house being out of order, priorities getting out of whack, and just treading water to survive your days characterize stress, our family would be the poster children this past year! We are turning the corner in 2011 though and have several ways that we want things to be different. We hope to restore order and purpose within our family in 2011 and I have a few things that we are committing to this year. Will we achieve them all 100%, likely no. However, we are striving toward these things.
Feel free to ask at any time how these ambitions are going. I welcome the accountability!

1. Rise and Read- My Bible reading this past year has been hit or miss. I have heavily relied upon the scripture fed to me from those around me. I am so grateful for the precious friends who have upheld me in this season, but it's time for early morning Bible reading to return to being a part of my schedule. Reading God's word on my own positively impacts so much of my day; I am excited for this routine to be restored.

2. Teaching Domesticity- It is my hope to raise godly women in Elizabeth and Elaine, and part of that is to teach them how to take care of a home. Many of the everyday chores around our house have been pushed aside in the past months, and I feel like I have been a poor teacher of housekeeping for my girls. Not only do I hope to restore a clean and organized home, but to bring my girls along with me and teach them skills that will hopefully assist them as wives and mothers one day.

3. 1 on 1s- We are excited to have special monthly one on one nights where Justin will take Elizabeth and I will take Elaine and then flip flop the following month. As our girls get older, I am realizing more and more how important one on one time is for them. I see many families where parents attempt to have serious conversations with their kids when they are older and it fails miserably, because one on one time when the kids are young isn't a priority. It is my hope that by beginning this tradition when the girls are young we will not only create some great memories but will also prevent the awkwardness of one on ones when they are older.

4. Project Restoration- We have a great deal of furniture in our home that has been given to us. It has been a huge blessing and very functional, but I am excited to redo several pieces with Justin and my mother in law's assistance. Justin has already begun by staining our bedside tables to match our bedroom furniture. I hope to transform an old coffee table into a bench for our entry way that will house baskets beneath it for storage. The kitchen table, a storage unit for games, a trunk for blankets, and living room end tables are all in the mix as well! I'm looking forward to learning lots in this process.

5. World Focus- While reading John Piper's Don't Waste Your Life, I was made aware of how little our world has become. This is especially true for my girls; as far as they are concerned, the world is CityView Church, Butterfly Way, Southlake Christian Preschool, Kaufman, and South Fort Worth. I hope to expand all of our horizons by praying weekly for a country where persecution is high and the spread of the Gospel is limited. I am really looking forward to this addition to our lives and hope to learn about each country along the way as well!

6. Project Organization- Justin and I have never been the most organized people, but the past 12 months have just amplified that in our home. Our house, while small, actually has awesome storage space. However, we need some serious reorganization to best utilize our space. From the garage to the linen closet to the bathroom cabinets, the time has some to conquer these messes. I have visions of labeled baskets and tidy shelves.

7. Redemption- I cannot tell you how much I have anticipated going through Redemption at CityView! If you don't know what it is, Redemption is a gospel centered walk through the Exodus to identify sin and strongholds in your life and to understand and apply the redemption available through Jesus. Justin went through the material with the pastors about a year ago, and now I am excited about getting my turn to walk through it with a group of CityView ladies.

8. Take Care of Me- I am really bad at this one! When I am overwhelmed with my own circumstances, I turn to busying myself with taking care of those around me, throwing myself into ministry, and typically neglecting me. I would have said a year ago that these behaviors were me being selfless and just doing what I love to do. While I do really enjoy serving, busyness is my coping mechanism. This year, I hope to take the time to get the THREE massages for which I have gift certificates and have never taken advantage of, use my face creams, put my makeup on before I leave the house (not at stop lights!), use the girls' rest time to sew, craft, or do something else fun. I know that these things make me a better mommy and honor Justin.

9. Helpmate- While in survival mode, I haven't been the best helpmate. I have been trying so hard to stay afloat that looking for ways to go above and beyond to love, encourage, and esteem my husband has been on the back burner. I love and respect Justin so very much, and I am proud of his new endeavor with NewCoast Media. It is my deep desire to be the best possible helpmate for him in the coming year!

10. Spontaneous Fun- Watching Lizzie and Lainie laugh and have fun has been a breath of fresh air for us in 2010. Exhaustion and preoccupied minds prevented Justin and me from joining in or initiating most of these events. I am hoping for lots more crazy fun and silly moments in 2011 where the girls remember Mommy and Daddy having fun right alongside them! (We started off with a bang tonight with a dance party to the Footloose Pandora station!)

11. Follow Through- I am the queen of good intentions! I have so many spectacular ideas that flow through my mind in a day; I hope that I can be intentional with my words and deeds this year and follow through on those that most magnify Jesus and edify those around me. This list of hopes goes out the window if there is any way to better point to Jesus! Holy Spirit lead me!

Enjoy the Pics!!







THANK YOU Shari Henson for taking these awesome pics of our family! As you can tell, Lizzie LOVED the camera while Lainie wasn't quite sure, but we had a great time together. Shari ROCKS!!!

After 10 Months

Charlotte Jane would have been ten months old had she been here to celebrate Christmas with our family this year; instead she celebrated face to face with Jesus! Oh we missed our girl terribly, but there was a sweet peace and great comfort for our family this season. Thank you for the many reminders that you were praying for us this month, as it was especially tough.

The moments that I suspected to be hard actually weren't compared to the little things that hit me unexpectedly and brought forth very raw emotional responses. As our family of four stood in the front row at CityView on Christmas Eve singing about our newborn King, I lost it. I didn't want it to just be the four of us. I wanted Charlotte on my hip cooing to Jesus the way 10 month olds do. However, I sang without her in my arms but with great Hope within that because of our Savior's birth, singing Christmas carols with the Body of Christ is but a reflection of eternity! O Glorious Day!

At the cemetery this month it was an absolutely gorgeous day! Justin and the girls couldn't help themselves and had to have races in the sunshine. Although this is probably not proper etiquette, I think it honored Charlotte's life. The freedom in their laughter and the joy in their footsteps was just what this momma needed. Again the theme of Hope has been carried out through Elizabeth and Elaine. If you could hear the songs that Elizabeth makes up, they are precious and always about how good and everlasting and trustworthy our God is. Lizzie sweetly was counting members of our family recently and told me that I am the mommy of four children. She named off herself, Elaine, Charlotte and Hope. I am glad we haven't tried to hide anything from Elizabeth, God is pursuing her four year old heart. Elaine, my love, is constantly pointing out pictures of Charlotte and bringing to mind her things; she is always quick to say, "and Charlotte is with Jesus." I am glad we haven't hidden anything from Elaine; God is pursuing her two year old heart.

December has been hard. 2010 has been hard. I have grieved a lot this month especially over the emptiness I have without Charlotte. More than that though, I have grieved over the brokenness of this world. I have been face to face this year with trials of my own, struggles of friends, and challenges of family members. I want so badly to put a bookend on 2010 and say, "I'm DONE with you! Bring me the ease of 2011!" However, I know all too well that is not the life to which I or any other follower of Jesus has been called. I am thankful for the intense longing that 2010 has left with me to shout out with great anticipation, "Come LORD Jesus, Come!" My prayer is that whatever the next years of my life hold, may I maintain that desire to see Jesus face to face while redeeming the time He has given me here as His ambassador. It is a privilege to be His.

Giving Thanks

While this year has been rough to say the least, thankfulness still abounds in my heart. It was good to have a season where it was on the forefront of my mind; God is gracious and good to an undeserving people. For that I am thankful. My perspective, after reading Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper, has shifted. Thankfulness flows when your grasp that "for redeemed sinners, every good thing-indeed every bad thing that God turns for good-was obtained for us by the cross of Christ. Apart from the death of Christ, sinners get nothing but judgment. Apart from the cross of Christ, there is only condemnation. Therefore everything that you enjoy in Christ-as a Christian, as a person who trusts Christ-is owing to the death of Christ. And all your rejoicing in all things should therefore be a rejoicing in the cross where all your blessings were purchased for you at the cost of the death of the Son of God, Jesus Christ." Thank you Jesus for buying it ALL with your blood!

This year for Thanksgiving we took the month of November and memorized Psalm 100 together. The girls did a great job with it!

These leaves hung throughout our home listing the many things we have to be thankful for:)

Lizzie's Thanksgiving Feast at school was fun! Chicken Express for all!

Look at that pretty turkey head!!

The weather kept us away from our usual Turkey Trot, instead Hungry Hungry Hippos and...

Pioneer Woman Cinnamon Rolls... YUMMO!

Here are the girls saying their verse... too cute!

My sweet family:)

Cousins! Amoriyah was a great participant in the fun of Thanksgiving:)

LEAVES are the best part of Thanksgiving as far as my girls are concerned! My Aunt and Uncle live on acreage with an abundance of oak trees. The tradition has become to rake up the leaves and then have races into the piles... Marin and Lizzie are special sweet cousins and friends! I only wish The Woodlands wasn't so far away!

I don't think this smile came off of Lizzie's face the whole afternoon!

Lainie joined in on the action!

Who needs toys?!

Too many cameras!

These kiddos slept like champs that night!

Leaf Ladies!

Precious Memories Made!

After 9 Months

Oh my, it is crazy to think back and realize that it has been 9 months since we held our Charlotte Jane! We miss her like crazy, and even more so lately as we have also mourned the loss of another baby. It was very fitting that Justin was able to preach Romans 8 on Sunday at CityView regarding suffering. Well done babe! (I'll let you know when it is posted, so you can listen!)

I think the biggest thing that I want to be known to all is that we are NOT strong people! If not for the strength of the Holy Spirit within us, things in our family would have looked far different over the past 9 months! The miraculous strength of Jesus has carried me. Any strength that has been displayed in me has only been a reflection of Jesus's supernatural strength that He so graciously gives to those who are His. If we attempt to be strong on our own, we will fall! My hope is that Jesus would be your strength; that any attempt of being strong on your own would be pushed aside and that you would CLING to the hope you have in Jesus. His strength is sufficient! Ephesians 6:10 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might."

Suffering well can only be done in the power of the Spirit! Crying out to the Lord in sobs of confusion and pain can be honoring to Him. I have sobbed and sobbed a lot, and I have been angry, and I have asked WHY?! many times. I have read Psalms over and over and seen that it is totally ok to pour out all of my emotions before the God of the universe. He cares deeply and assures us that this road will not be walked alone. At the end of the day though, I have to trust that God is in absolute control. He is not shocked that we have lost 2 babies is the past 9 months. He is writing this story for our family, and He is working all things together for His glory and our good.

Many of you have asked how Lizzie and Lainie are doing, and I have to tell you that their childlike faith has brought me great joy and hope (for this reason and many others, we have named our most recent baby Hope). These girls are an absolute gift and this Thanksgiving, my thankfulness for them is immense!

Please pray for our family as Thanksgiving and Christmas approach. This time last year I was prepping a Thanksgiving name game to reveal Charlotte Jane's name to our families as well as the fun that you blog followers joined us in for our blog name game! I know that there will be triggers that cause me to erupt in tears unexpectedly (like typing this right now); please pray that I would honor Christ in these moments and be directed straight back to Him.

Thanks for walking with us. Community has been one of the richest blessings this year. We are thankful for you!

October

October was a busy month with a lot of memories made. Here is the month in review through pictures! LOTS OF PICTURES!

October 2nd, my cousin Ryan was married to his bride, Danielle. We spent the weekend in The Woodlands to help them celebrate. Elizabeth had the honor of being a flower girl, and she did a great job, even after a series of crazy events including a nasty 3 inch curling iron burn on her forearm!

It was a great time for taking pictures, and we took plenty!

We busted out the warm jammers! And... Lainie is sleeping in her big girl bed at night! These girls are enjoying sharing a room; I love to listen in on their before bed conversations and singing. I pray that God would continue to cultivate a precious relationship between them.

After a couple of weeks of utilizing my good ol' drying rack, I was blessed by a brand new awesome dishwasher!

Lizzie can count to 100:)

We went to the Shrine Circus with Nana and PawPaw and Granny and Grandaddy. The girls loved it!!!!

We had a great time at the Fort Worth Zoo with the Crawford Kids and the Patterson Kids. (More pics coming... they are trapped on my smaller camera for which I cannot find it's USB cord)
Lizzie had Western Day at Preschool. She was super-cute in her awesome bling shirt that Grammy made, her new shiny belt, and her boots she bought with her birthday money! Oh, I love this little cowgirl! Though she was apprehensive about riding the pony, she did it and even had a smile on her face:)

Mary Harris Intermediate held their official ribbon cutting ceremony. Mom was honored, and it was a very special night with many of her former teachers and friends and family in attendance.

Amoriyah is stinkin' cute!

We had a great time at the Pumpkin Patch! The girls and I went once with some friends and then we all went as a family.

Costumes were worn by the girls... Elizabeth was a butterfly fairy princess and Elaine was a Barbie. Between Lizzie's preschool (Where Aunt Kristie made and appearance), Justin's office party, CityView's event, and trick or treating in our neighborhood, the candy loot is INSANE!

Overall a fun month! Thankful for all of the memories we have made together as a family!